Stuttering & Stammering A diary of a stutter; his struggles, experiences and anecdotes: 2008

I have been very busy and trying to organize my life more. Stuttering has not stopped, maybe it never will, or maybe that is just me. However my anxiety has reduced at times when taking klonopin (clonozepam) and that helped my stutterness if you will. Still my questions are without answers and my quest is not close to ending.

So after being in the waiting room with some "special" people around me I was thinking about getting the hell out of there. Then a guy who lives close to my house to whom I never engage a conversation with came into the same waiting room. Holy shit, I thought, what are the chances? Oh well, let him think whatever he wants I insisted. Besides he is here too right? He must have some problems as well? Wrong, his mother had them and quite more severe than other patients.

Crap, ok ok, it is normal to go to the psychiatrist nowadays, isn't it? So I just kept reading my newspaper and watching with pain this little girl swinging her head back and forth and it really got to me. I made a short prayer for her because she wouldn't stop and her mother was right there reading a newspaper too. But I always over anaylize things. I thought, if she is this normal it means it is something that the little girl has had for a long time, then I thought about what the little girl felt, her future, her dreams. I got saddened and again thought, what am I doing here? Then is when I thought, gee stuttering sucks but there are other things that suck more. Then I looked and her again and she stopped swinging and looked at me straight in the eyes. I was paralized and went back to my "reading" yet as soon as I did she went back to the swinging. Weird I thought. Then I looked at her again and same thing happened only that she made faces to me. Ok that freaked me out a bit. Maybe she read my mind or maybe she was an angel and was giving me a message of some sort. Third time just to see if it was in my head but again she looked at me. But then I wasn't scared, I just saw that she was telling me something in the only way she could. I don't know exactly what she wanted to say but I guess she wanted to let me know that she was aware of things and that she had "feelings". I then smiled at her and then she kept swinging.

Man, and I complain when people stereotype me when I just did it to her. Not in a cruel way at any point but I was just judging many things to what "normality" is. So even before I got in to my appointment I learned something. Stuttering is not that bad unless people start judging me. Stuttering is horrible when people label me. So I looked at all the people in the room again and thought I was not in the wrong spot. That we weren't freaks, we were just unique and "special".

Then I heard my name and I went in into the office. It was very quick and she just pretty much gave me another order of the same pills. Umm... I don't know. Maybe there is something wrong with this system. Maybe I need to pay more to get a better psychiatrist. I mean I had a better session outside in the waiting room with my fellows. Oh well, I will keep on with the prozak and clonazepam and see what happens and went out.

My stuttering depends on my days you know. Sometimes I feel well and relaxed but others I feel suppressed, anxious and tired like breathing wise. I haven't yet felt the direct influence of Prozac. I am not sure if I should continue with it. Klonopin has a direct relation though but I skip pills because I feel some days I don't need it. I am just scared of overdoing drugs. I guess in general I have improved but I still stutter. At least my anxiety has gone down. Also, mom and dad call me and now I can tell them about my stuttering and it is a very open subject and not something that I am trying to hide. That really helps and I stutter less with them. I guess this might be a beginning although at times I feel there is no hope but life comes only once so I will keep my head up and fight the fight.

So finally the day came to visit the psychiatrist. I had to go through the medical insurance in Peru which is way awful but that is the price to get free medicine. First I went and the doc didn't even show up and they moved our appointment. Then it seemed that she wasn't going to arrive but fortunately she did.

As far as our 1 to 1 conversation it was short. Mainly I just said I was having anxiety attacks in social settings, that I was more isolated than ever before and that my stuttering started at age 20 and I did not know why that happened. Also, lately I was stuttering way more and that is what was putting me down so much. Well she took notes and all but little feedback really. I told her about my rough moments and what I thought triggeredd the stuttering. I told her that I got anxious because of my stuttering but maybe my stuttering was the cause for my anxiety. At the end she gave my Prozac and Klonipin. I do have depression so I think this will help. Also klonopin helps with the anxiety but it makes me feel weird like "tipsy" which is kinda cool (hehehe).

This is as far as my medicine approach to my troubles. I know it is not all. I did something I have never done before. I called my dad and told him I was a stutterer and that it was ruining my life. I cried and opened up and he was kinda shocked because he did not know it affected me this much. In fact he said I did not stutter that much. I felt so good after telling him because I was alone in this situation with my wife and now my parents are on my side too. It was tough because it is not easy to say "I am a stuterer" but the fact is that I know they will help me a lot.

So, medicine and family openness is checked but there was one more important issue to deal with. Praying had become so difficult for me and my faith became so weak that I put God in the back seat. I am closer to Him than before and am able to pray again so it is good to feel his presence close again.

Results? Well, I am stuttering less, I don't know if it is the medicine, the family unity, or my new commitment to be a better spiritual person. I sure know I am not cured but I feel better and I think these 3 issues have really helped me. Thanks to all of those who sent me messages to my email or by comments. STUTTERERS RULE!!!!

As I am writing this post my tears are coming out. I am losing the battle not only with stuttering but with other things. I am not myself anymore and I am reaching my limit. I can't seem to hold a fluent conversation anymore and I think I am starting to suffer from anxiety disorder. I have lost my true identity somewhere in the middle of all this mess and am starting to isolate myself more and more. Stuttering is affecting me so much that it is starting to hurt me. It is not the stutter itself but all the it brings with it. I feel dumb, slow, and at times worthless. What is happening to me? Whenever I am with people I get locked. Frustration has grown to a point that I can feel it in my muscles. I wander and all I see is fluent people that carry on with their lives while I have to submit to the command of what I am allowed to say by this curse. I have taken the path of silence and avoidance waiting for a good time to talk but that time never comes. The worse thing is that even when I find some few words to say they do not sound so smart.

God, I know I am not being a good son now but I need some help. Just guide me to a treatment or to someone who can help me. Mom always told me that the answer was in you but it is tough to have faith these days. Not even seeing how her faith was so strong that she is beating cancer has sensibilized my spiritual side.

I do not know where the problem rests anymore. Before it was parties, meetings and social gatherings but now I feel anxious even taking the bus. At work I feel tired and my heart is beating more than it should. I say right when I want to say left and I am slow. I am unhappy and have a terrible mood which makes my wife unhappy. I have seen the symptoms of anxiety disorder and I have almost all of them. I will be seeking some pro help (although I said this before and just continued with life escaping from it). Sometimes I think I have empowered my stuttering and that I have made it worse. Life is tough and right now I am weak and tired but I hope I will come back from it.

"Just relax man", "Calm down and start again", "Slow down dude" are just some things that we stutterers are told when we had a stutter moment. But is there any truth in this? Would this really help? A few days ago I was surfing the web and came across suggestions about relaxing before you think you would stutter. There are even breathing techniques that says that these work all the time if done properly. I was convinced and starting meditating on the issues that might trigger my stuttering side.

Having acquired this problem around my 20's I saw that stuttering fitted like a glove in my life. See, I am a quite anxious guy. Every task I am given I just want to finish it as quickly as possible. It does not have to be a complicated task but just common ones will do. For instance, if I am eating I eat fast and just want to wolf down the whole dish. I do not talk much or pause but just concentrate on the goal of eating. When blogging, if I do not get what I want from a design or if there is an error on my page, I begin to get anxious and I have to find the answer right in that moment and if not I get anxious to the point that it affects me. I could go on with many things I do at a fast pace like if it were a competition. So then stuttering just found a good host in me.

I heard that when we stutter we just have so many things to say and think just too fast that our mind goes faster than our articulation. I talked to my wife about it and shared my findings. Since then (last week) I have started to slow down on speaking. I have to concentrate because it is so difficult. Fluency is not pausing but I have to according to my conclusions and research. Well, it helped. I went shopping with my wife and spoke slower pausing and taking my time and the stuttering had reduced. Implementing this into my life will take time. There are no easy ways and I feel that I have to slow down not only in speaking but in many things in life. I do not have to portray things as challenges all the time. I have to enjoy sharing with others while eating and if I have problems in my web pages I should try fixing it with time and if not just be patient about it. Maybe then I will see a bigger change as a whole because stuttering takes in so many variables that it is puzzling.

Has slowing down reduced my stuttering? The answer is yes and no. Yes because of the points mentioned above but yesterday I woke up early and went upstairs and got into a conversation with my mother in law about my plans for the future. All of a sudden I felt I was in the stuttering mode and said to myself "Here is your chance to implement my strategy" One of the breathing technique says that you should relax and breathe normal and you should say only the first syllable while exhaling and then breathing again and deliver the rest. So for instance "hi my name is Joe" should be: Breathe, exhale saying "Hi" then breathe again and say "my name is Joe exhaling". I had my big change there but I could not say the first syllable. I took a big breath but nothing. I was just in one of those days and just went down to avoiding and keeping silence which really puts me down. But, what happened? I don't know. Anyway, I think it is start and will continue to see if slowing down will help. The problem is I tend to forget about it and just talk naturally which is fast and get out of line with my plan. I should also have to look into the breathing technique more and see what I am doing wrong. At any rate, slowing down seems logical and something that can help my stuttering and other issues in my life as well.

It's been a while since I last posted that I probably lost my few readers. I have been busy with work and my other 8 blogs. This is the only one which I write personal stuff so I enjoy it and have missed posting in here. Last week my wife was around and even left a message. She had not read the blog before and took a quick glance at it and now she probably will become another reader.

Now to the subject in matter, last month I got a comment from Jillian where she kinda helped me out figure why I did not stutter that much when teaching in contrast to having typical casual conversations.

I read in a pamphlet from the "Stuttering Foundation of America" that people who stutter rarely do it when acting or singing. Perhaps when you teach, you see yourself as being "in character" and you're able to "perform" and not stutter.

I went to a Performing Arts school as a kid. In the plays and musicals... as long as I was "in character" I NEVER had a problem. As soon as I was back to being me, I stuttered like crazy.

Stuttering can't be more confusing than it is. I mean, in addition to having to live with verbal communication deprivation some, like me, do not have a clue on why I got it, how it works. Searching answers just opens more questions and I feel that my quest is one with no happy ending. I have argued with fellow stutters on many topics regarding stuttering from which many state that they have all the answers. First, I really feel I have acquired it from another person and the post to that story is here (click me). I know, it is not in any book probably but I was stutter free years ago. Oh yeah, then they tell me that I was always a stutterer but I had to trigger it. Maybe, but why is my wife now stuttering more and more? Any answers there?

Going back to Jillian's argument, when I read it it made perfect sense. Just take a minute and see me in "action" if you will.
The setting is a business lobby where three well-suited and groomed professionals await their English instructor to whom their respectable company has entrusted their education in the English language. I, less groomed but still prepared for the encounter, arrive on top of the hour with my suitcase and my markers. The tension elevates and I become a bit nervous. We finally gather with opening shy looks and scanning each other. Then something takes over me like if I were possessed at the moment. I am in charge. I am the boss in there. My experience and knowledge give me the "power". Such power strengthens me and my self confidence overflows. My tongue gets lose, my muscles relax and even my mood and personality seem refined. The result is evident: I don't stutter.

HEALED!!! I think to myself. Finally I achieved my so desired goal, I insist. However later that day, I get home and begin to talk to the family and fall into the stutter swamp. WHY? How can I come to understand such paradox? Isn't a stutterer suppose to fall into the blocking and rattling when confronted with anxiety and specific social nerve cracking situations? WHY am I so useless in comunicating in such trival and so common, daily, everyday conversations?

Then it came to me when reading the stated comment, ROLE PLAYING!!!! See, who teaches is not fully "me". It is a character, the teacher. I am not exposed to hurting looks because I do not know these people. And even if they encounter one of my stutter words, I am bothered by it because my goal there is one; to help them learn English. How ironic !!! I am there to teach them how to communicate. In addition, I am not an average teacher, I am one of the best in the company. I have never received a complaint and my bosses always praise me. Students have a ball in my class and my interaction with them is superb. You would not notice I was a stutterer in my class. In fact, in one class the word "stutterer" came into discussion and I felt I was unmasked but they started talking about how it affected other people. I so wanted to tell them HEY, I AM HERE!!! but I couldn't do that because then I would lose the role playing character and I would probably stutter.

The other day I talked to a stutter fellow and he said he also did not stutter when he imitated Elvis Presley. Another said he wouldn't rattle when speaking in a different accent. Maybe you are one of those stutterers. At any rate, the question would be, how do I use this information to improve my communication in my daily language?

So it has been one full year since I started sharing my life wife a marvelous woman. Many things have happened this year so it has been a roller coaster ride. I was not supposed to be stuck here in South America for one thing. I should be in the States studying for a Master's and getting a job as a financial adviser getting the big bucks. It was a shocker to change my plans so dramatically. I live with my in-laws, so typically Latin Americanish, work for as an ESL (English as a second language) company, and earn a very modest pay check.

Above all is my love for her. She is so sweet and nice that I feel so bad for succumbing in my own problems. I have to change and got to learn to control my frustration. I cannot continue to let stuttering beat me though it hits me strong at times. I don't know if my wife reads my blog but if you do read it honey I love you so much and I am trying hard to being a better husband. What's my next step? Well, I want to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist and see what he thinks about starting taking some pills. I think I need some help controlling my anxiety about not being able to express myself. I think I set myself up to stutter more than I should because I am to hard on myself. At any rate, I have to start by going to a specialist to start off which is hard for me to do because of some type of pride or ignorance about getting professional help. Let's see if I can gather strength and do it this week.

I am convinced that antidepressants are a great option to reduce stuttering. I am planning to go to a psychiatrist and start treatment. The reasons for not doing it before was because of time, money and well, going to the psychiatrist is not something to brag about. This following report was form last year but it talks about Pagoclone, an antidepressant, which reduces the the dopamine which produces stuttering. Here is the clip.


I just realized that my insurance can cover it so let's see if I can get a good treatment here in South America. Some psychiatrist don't know much about stuttering and some are extremely ignorant so I hope I get one that has done some research. Have any of you succeeded with any kind of antidepressant or with Pagoclone? or maybe you think this is not the best option. In any case, I would like to here from some real life experiences

Having started stuttering at age 19 or 20 really gives me a better insight on how it can change the way one is. I Well, has it really changed me? Yes but no. What I mean is that I am the same person but repressed and convicted to blocking my real self to the world. So, it has changed my personality to the others. People see a timid person, the perfect listener, someone who agrees with mostly everything, a shy sometimes social evader wonderer therefore a person who, in my case, is not me. I could accept this if it were true but deep inside I have not changed. In conversations and discussions I want to intervene and lay out my points stating the reasons for my discrepancy of a given issue. I would like to talk, make jokes, share my pain, give advice without having to block, substitute or say something which is not what I want.


Sometimes I am having a conversation and I imagine another one happening parallel to it. I imagine one where I actually say what I want to say. My typical conversations are one way where I come in with a "yeah" , "sure", "I know" etc. It is so frustrating and so sad because it hides who I am and portrays a dull, cheap version of myself. At times I just sigh and nod but deep inside it is like I accept the defeat. I wear out and give in to stuttering. Is it taking the best out of me? Is it taking control? Am I being too proud? Why not just stutter and let it out?

I think stuttering actually would make me feel worse than saying what I want to say, at the right time and therefore I retrieve from the confrontation. Ignorance hurts because others see you as a person with some type of problem. I really do not like to point out I am a stutterer to people that would not get it. I don't care telling some friends but only to smart ones who care about others. So why expose myself? I might be wrong. Maybe I should be doing the opposite like I have read elsewhere but for now I feel ok with it.

What do you guys think? Has it changed who you really are? Is stuttering keeping you from something?

Thanks for your comments and your participation.
Stumble It!

I remember as a child my father used to bug me a lot because I had a pet guinea pig. I really cared for the furry little fellow and always got pissed off and called mom to back me up. What I did not know was that my father was not joking when he said my guinea pig would make a great dish. In my last trip to Cusco Peru, which I will talk about more in other posts, I wanted to try guinea pig. I love Peruvian food but this would be a challenge. I also do not mind going to cheap markets where you get a real good price so I told my wife we could go to a fancy restaurant later. I was not sure about trying this dish because it is kind of scary looking. It is pretty much like eating a rat only that its meat is supposed to be real soft and tasty.

Off I went until I came across a very particular and quite attention grabber image that I would like to share.


My wife said, 'Why are you taking a picture of it?' - 'Well, it is for my blog', I said. - 'Blog, I thought it was a stuttering blog' - 'Well but this has to be seen and you never know, maybe eating guinea pig may cure stuttering so I want to document it'

Actually the picture is great and kinda cute. I did not notice the details until I saw it on my laptop. The main caracter, the one with the small "rocoto" (hot Peruvian chili), is on top of another guinea pig (That rocoto detail really uplifts the picture to another level). That guinea pig is lying on top of another one and you could see its toes. Then the other interesting issue is that these guys are on top of fried chicken as if they were the king meat or something.

This guinea pig was deep fried and well, did I eat it? Hell yeah. The meat is soft like that of a rabbit and has a good taste. The only problems are its thick outer skin and its small bones. Before you even start saying how awful and terrible remember we now and then have a BigMac or nuggets that God knows what are in them. These guinea pigs aren't pets here. They are grown and fed just like chicken. So, did it cure my stuttering? I am sorry to inform you guys that it has been 2 months and I see no positive effect.

Before in my posts, I shared how I did not stutter so much in English and that I do stutter much but way much more in Spanish. Well, maybe one of the reasons is that I was evaluating my English fluency by how I give my classes.

I teach English and in my classes I hardly have any problems. I do stutter at times but seems normal like anyone else. Because of this, I figured out that my problem was in Spanish because there is where I clearly stutter, block and suffer. The other day I went to a meeting with other teachers and in that meeting we were sharing experiences and so forth and suddenly, I began to feel the stutter coming to me. I was surprised and saddened. What is happening? Why do I want to stutter? Fortunately I didn't but because I blocked and chose other words I was confused.
I then started remembering that in the University I blocked a lot (studied in the USA) and substituted but it was mild but I recalled that I also stuttered in English in the past. The fact that I could teach in front of students everyday and not have problems tricked me to think that I did not stutter in English anymore.

A few weeks ago I started giving Spanish classes, I was so scared because I was going to be confronted with my devil. However I have been teaching for 1 month now and I hardly stutter in Spanish classes. What is going on? In classes I do not stutter. I thank God for that since that is my job but how is this possible? The moment I arrive home I start stuttering with my wife or mother-in-law (though I always prefer blocking and not speacking). Even yesterday at the mall, I could not ask this waitress when the happy hour ended. Asking questions to strangers is one of the most difficult things for me.

Theories:
1) For some reason my brain knows that I need money to live and therefore goes into survival mode and just enables me to talk and communicate stutter free.

2) Since I am the teacher, I feel I am in a command position and that I am in control. This brings confidence and therefore relaxes me to the point I can talk very well.

3) I am the host of a stutter demon who wants to screw around with me.

4) When I am with family, friends, and strangers, I feel vulnerable and open so I am myself and stutter.

See, all this doesn't make sense because stutters are supposed to stutter in presentations but when I teach, in front of 3 to 10 people mostly, I can speak normally. It is SO FRUSTRATING that when I am with friends I cannot express myself. Even alone with my wife I stutter.

Anyway, I still thank God that I can work with hardly any problems but it is so confusing. This really makes me realize that stuttering (in my case) is so psychological and that, with fight and luck I can beat it.

Stuttering really brings me down but there are times when funny things happen and I can laugh at it. Let's face it, stuttering can be really funny. When I am with people who I know really care about me I don't mind laughing at it. Just picture when you are in a middle of a sentence and all of a sudden you block yourself and can't say a word. You are like: "So what do you think about having a ----?" "You know one of those mmmm" Ok in you mind you want to say mokachino but you can see problems ahead. You have 3 options: start rattleling mo mo mo moe moooo kakaka chinnnnnnnnnno, block yourself and stay mute, or order something else like a shake or water.

The rattleling really is a terrible moment where you feel like an ass but it is funny to my friends and they just slap me or something. The second one is the best. Because you can see the clerk just staring at you and he does not know what the hell is going on. Well, then you can throw some ums, wells, let me see, or the one I love, Ok thanks. HAHA, you guys gotta do that one. Excuse me, could I have the ummm .... Ok THANKS. The last option should be reserved for emergencies but is commonly used. I hate eating or drinking something I do not want. GEE I want a moka and I am having Iced Tea?

One of the best ones that I could share was when I went to a fancy restaurant with my then girlfriend. I was going through the menu and wanted this dish but it was a hard one. I did not want my girl to ask it for me because I am the guy you know (This is always a problem for stutterers, we want to be gentlemen but since we block at times we then want our partners to do it). Well, I started to practice in my mind and thought I was ready so I lifted my hand so that this well suited "mesero" came to take my order. He then came all well versed and welcomed us and proposed the best dishes. I knew what to order but suddently, it happened. I was blocked, the seconds past and the waiter was staring at me with his fine point ball pen ready to rescue the order from that table. SHIT (Stuttering makes me grouchy and often when I am in a stuttery day I am not in the mood for anything) so then I came up with something that really made the day. I said, in a heavy and imperative tone "Um, Listen, Come back when I am able to talk will you?" The waiter did not know what to think, I mean, who would? I then snapped back and noticed that I said what I was thinking. The waiter's face was that of a guy who just found out his girl was a shemale (btw I have nothing against shemales but if you are you gotta state it up front). He left with a puzzled face and stared back a couple of times like if he were twitching. My girl started laughing so much and who could blame her. What do you do with a request like this? Would he come back and ask: "Are you ready to ..um.. speak?" I followed my girl and started laughing as well and we always laugh when I am about to order.

Well, if you have any funny stuttering anecdotes send in a comment.

continued from this post...

I was so nervous because it was the first time that both families would meet together before our wedding and there was no way out. I knew that I could not use avoidance and that substituting words would be very difficult. This dreadful meeting was called "la pedida de mano" and my grandparents and one of my aunts were going to attend this reunion in representation of my parents who are in Florida. On the the side was my future mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and 2 grandparents.

All that morning I was trying to be calm and practice so that I wouldn't stutter. All this backfired and built more anxiety. In one point I thought of fleeing but realized this was not the best option because I would ruin it all. But what if I stuttered badly? What if I freeze? I know it seems I am exaggerating but I am not known as a stutterer and lets face it, when one stutters people see you and a person who lacks confidence, who is nervous and in this case, they can figure that I am lying in my declaration of love. Of course my fiance was fine and relaxed while I was starting my prayer number 1000. The countdown started and I was trying to get a hold of the situation. I started doing some relaxed breathing and went to the bathroom to talk to myself in the mirror trying to build some confidence. "Come on man you can do this" "Say just what you need to and that is it"

The meeting was at my girl's house and I was already there. My grandparents came and all was set. They started talking but I hardly participated because I knew I would have to talk later, so why use my stutterless words now you know. Just before the big scene started I went to the bathroom which was becoming my confidence headquarters . I looked at the mirror and prayed, " oh God please give me fluency just for this moment. Make my words flow easily because this is an important step for my future wife and I don't want to ruin it". So my mother-in-law started saying how she was a witness of our love and bla bla bla. Then some others joined in and believe it or not, there was a window to avoid talking. They were ready to wrap it up and go to have dinner. But I looked at my wife and I really really wanted to express what I felt for her and why I wanted to marry her. So then I, spoke and said, "I would like to say some words .... "

One of my readers put on the comments that miracles do exist. Well it happened, my prayers were answered. I gave a hell of a speech and without substituting or stuttering. It was amazing and I have no clue how I did this. I made some cry because I opened my heart and it really came out well. After I finished I went to the bathroom and thanked God because I felt he had something to do with it (although if God exists then He allowed or put the stuttering in me when he created me but hey, I do not want to wreck this moment). I was so happy because I saw my future woman crying and proud of me not because I didn't stutter (she thinks it is not a big deal) but because of my words. Now there was one more obstacle in the way, the big day, my wedding.

It is so difficult to see life as I used to. I am in great pain. My life has changed and I do not know what will happen next. Yesterday (January 13th, 2008), I got a call from Florida. I was resting and my sister-in-law started calling me but in her message I knew something was wrong. She said my father had to talk to me about something very important. I went down the stairs and started wondering what was happening. I knew it was not good. I thought about my brother (who is my son but lives with my parents) but my heart knew it was about my mother. I wasn´t wrong. My father told me that she was not feeling well lately and that she went to the doctor to get some treatment. Then it struck me. My heart was broken and my tears rolled down my face. My mother has cancer.



Leukemia they call it and it has captured my mom. I am so lost now, I love her to death and I am so far away from her. I am her only son and I so want to be at her side but the imperialist, bloodsucking embassy of the U.S in Peru(which has no relation with my feelings to my second country) has built up an unfair case for my not acceptance to the country. See, my parents are legal in the States and have all their papers straight but here in the US embassy they do not recognize the immigration papers. It is so insulting because it makes no sense.



Mom, don´t you leave us. We need you and I know you are a fighter. You are so full of faith that we will beat this terrible enemy. Yesterday when you talked to me on the phone, you asked me for one thing ¨Get close to God son¨ Yeah mom, I am so far from Him now, my faith is weak and I do not pray anymore. But God, why do you let my mom go through this? You know she has suffered way too much and now this? I do not understand You. And she, still clings to You with no doubts and no remorse. Sometimes I just can´t understand Your ways.



Soon we will get news on how strong the cancer is and it is a sickening wait. I posted this to get it out of my chest because crying is not enough. Please have Sonia in your prayers.

Do we all have a purpose in life? Do we have a written destiny? Well, I am not even going to try to discuss this because I might never end. However I do ask myself many times why I have to be a stutterer and be in the 1 or 2% group. I believe in God just like 95% of people (God, Allah, the omega or any Deity) So if God does exist then He had made me with this "gift". Ok, now my other side of the brain says to me no way. This is something that does not come from God but from a kind of physical or psychological problem that I have acquired in this world. Regardless of what the truth is I just feel in someway kinda cursed. I know not one stutterer near me and few people can understand me. What I see is a crowd of judging people ready to tag you with a hurting label. I was going around in the stuttering forum and came across this post. Here is a part of that post: "I don't want to be stressed. I want to be like everybody else. I hate that speech impediments have such a weird place in society. Nobody takes them seriously, nobody understands their true impact. I hate that only 3% of people have impediments, and a huge % of that 3% grows out of it. Why didn't I grow out of it? I hate that I meet so many people and encounter so many people every day, and every single one of them talks normal and I can't. It's so beyond frustrating. Go to a mall, go to the beach. All the hundreds and hundreds of people around you, all talking totally normal, it's so frustrating. I want to know what it's like to be able to express myself, and to have the sole consideration, when speaking, on what you're trying to say, not on your stutter. When we stutterers speak, it's a huge ordeal. Our first priority is fluency, everything else is second. Non-stutterers cannot even fathom what that is like. Talking is like walking for them, no thought required. I want to know what that's like.I'm not bitter, I'm just a little lost. I got straight A's in school, I have an outgoing personality, I'm charismatic, and this impediment will cause me to choose the career path of a total introvert. It is so hard, and I'm just so frustrated"
Originally Posted by DZJ

When I read this I felt understood and in a way supported. He put it in such a way that hits the right keys on the frustration that we feel. The big challenge is to deal with this feeling. What is the next step? Does this become a pain cycle where we become bitter with ourselves?

I feel inspired when I watch TV and see the stories of people who become successful and they are handicapped. You see great stories of people with one leg, one arm, no arms, people who are def, blind people and much more being the best in what they are. So then people say to us, "See those people made it through, your problem is not that big as theirs so follow their example". However there is one piece in the puzzle that most do not see. People never laugh at these handicapped people. I mean you would have to be a complete and utter bastard to do it right? In fact, people want to help them and give praises to them. On the other hand, people laugh at stutterers. They make fun of us, judge us and think that we are not intelligent or that we are too nervous to talk. Instead of praising us some are annoyed by us. So having this "gift" is really special because we are so misunderstood and stereotyped in a negative and very hurtful way that some handicaps do not go through.

Finding a solution is an ongoing issue. But maybe I am with this gift for a reason which I do not know about. I try to see the good side of it. There are things we stutterers have that others do not. We see life in a deeper way and most of us are real smart. We are fighters and have adapted in this world so well at times. I mean, we substitute words in seconds and avoid difficult words and people sometimes do not even know. I do not argue too much with my wife because I sound funny. It is like " I dont know why you ha haaa had t tt to...umm I work all day and you ccc cco cc OK BYE! See, normal people would have said hurting words and sometimes it is best to not say them.

Unfortunately, this seems to be overwhelmed by the negatives but I exhort you stutterers to remain positive about the future. Try to find help. I have never been to a therapists because of time but will be seeing one. What I have done is opened up to my family and that has helped. It is a short life so lets not fall into depression. Why me? Why us? I do not know but it is who we are and I life goes on. Do we live it hurting myself or do we take the best from life and learn to confront my challenges and succeed?

Well, I am back from my trip to Machu Picchu and of course I have more stutter stories from that journey. I also have not forgotten my wedding story which I will go back to in my next post so do not think I am slacking. I just wanted to share the reason for this blog to be out there in the cyberspace and expectations I have for it.

Stuttering is a big, huge I should say, problem. I am still trying to fully accept it and understand it. Many times I feel very but very lonely in this. I can't mention this problem just to anyone because of the ignorance on the issue. Most people think that one stutters when one is nervous and others think stutterers are dumb or have been traumatized to a point in which it has affected our brain. While of course this may happen, it is not accurate in most cases. We, stutterers, are normal people with great skills hopes and abilities. We happen to be great thinkers and are often pretty darn smart. I think this is what hurts us more. I mean, to portray people that cannot speak because of lack of confidence, ideas, intelligence is completely and utterly far away from reality. But hey, I am not going to argue with every and single person who thinks differently. However, could I just say "I do not care on what people say, I will just go on with my life because the opinions of others do not affect me"? Although, this would be idealistic it is not true for me. I do care. I care when people talk around my shoulder. I care when I hear whisperings and gossips stating that I have issues. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I am what people say or that I depend on what others think. I am just saying that it saddens and affects me.

I would like this blog to be an open source of valuable information about who a stutterer is and what he goes through. My stories are posted so that others stutterers can see that we are not alone. That in one place far way from home, like Peru, there is someone who understands,who knows what you are going through and who cares despite the fact there might be age or race differences. How many times have I just stayed quiet and said nothing thinking that no one would understand and that I was some kind of "freak" because I could not say what I wanted to. Well, this is why I did this blog and if I just have 2 readers or 2000 it will make a difference.

I would also like to receive other stories and post it. Maybe just through the comments of by email so that I can include a tab on top of my blog labeled "Other stories" (working title). So if you read a story and feel inspired just email me and I will start posting other stories. It does not even matter really if you comment, or send an email, what matters most is that stutterers feel identified and supported and that non stutterers gain more knowledge about what we go through and learn to respect the fact that one stutters.. We can encourage others and unite our efforts because stutterers rock. Seriously, I have never met a shallow stutterer. Most of us have great personalities and have a huge heart.

I do not know what road this blog but I will be happy as long as it increments awareness on the subject and brings union among stutterers through the internet. I want to thank all of you that have read this humble blog and to those who have commented. Please let me know if you have any suggestions or advice. I hope you all have had a great Christmas and a better New Year's day.