I am so confused about my stuttering
Before in my posts, I shared how I did not stutter so much in English and that I do stutter much but way much more in Spanish. Well, maybe one of the reasons is that I was evaluating my English fluency by how I give my classes.
I teach English and in my classes I hardly have any problems. I do stutter at times but seems normal like anyone else. Because of this, I figured out that my problem was in Spanish because there is where I clearly stutter, block and suffer. The other day I went to a meeting with other teachers and in that meeting we were sharing experiences and so forth and suddenly, I began to feel the stutter coming to me. I was surprised and saddened. What is happening? Why do I want to stutter? Fortunately I didn't but because I blocked and chose other words I was confused.
I then started remembering that in the University I blocked a lot (studied in the USA) and substituted but it was mild but I recalled that I also stuttered in English in the past. The fact that I could teach in front of students everyday and not have problems tricked me to think that I did not stutter in English anymore.
A few weeks ago I started giving Spanish classes, I was so scared because I was going to be confronted with my devil. However I have been teaching for 1 month now and I hardly stutter in Spanish classes. What is going on? In classes I do not stutter. I thank God for that since that is my job but how is this possible? The moment I arrive home I start stuttering with my wife or mother-in-law (though I always prefer blocking and not speacking). Even yesterday at the mall, I could not ask this waitress when the happy hour ended. Asking questions to strangers is one of the most difficult things for me.
Theories:
1) For some reason my brain knows that I need money to live and therefore goes into survival mode and just enables me to talk and communicate stutter free.
2) Since I am the teacher, I feel I am in a command position and that I am in control. This brings confidence and therefore relaxes me to the point I can talk very well.
3) I am the host of a stutter demon who wants to screw around with me.
4) When I am with family, friends, and strangers, I feel vulnerable and open so I am myself and stutter.
See, all this doesn't make sense because stutters are supposed to stutter in presentations but when I teach, in front of 3 to 10 people mostly, I can speak normally. It is SO FRUSTRATING that when I am with friends I cannot express myself. Even alone with my wife I stutter.
Anyway, I still thank God that I can work with hardly any problems but it is so confusing. This really makes me realize that stuttering (in my case) is so psychological and that, with fight and luck I can beat it.
4 comments:
I think you're on target with theories #2, and #4. I also think that communicating with other professionals and strangers may put a heavier linguistic lode on your brain, causing you increased dysfluencies and blocking. There is a lot of subconcious coordination that goes on with speaking, from the linguistic formulation of what to say, the articulation of the words with the timing of voice onset, respiration, and muscular control. Then let's just make it harder with social interaction! I think stuttering is one of the hardest communicative disorders to treat, partly because there are so many variables to consider. I'm impressed that you have the courage and tenacity to speak in front of your class, and that you initiate communication even with strangers, because as you know, so many who stutter do not do this. Don't give up!
I agree with your comment. There are so many variables that make it so difficult to come out with a solution.
About talking in front of my class, I am also impressed. I mean, If you compare how I speak in class with how I do it among friends and family, it is a radically different. I wonder what would happen if I teach my friends. Wouldn't that be a great experiment?
Regards and thanks for visiting.
I read in a pamphlet from the "Stuttering Foundation of America" that people who stutter rarely do it when acting or singing. Perhaps when you teach, you see yourself as being "in character" and you're able to "perform" and not stutter.
I went to a Performing Arts school as a kid. In the plays and musicals... as long as I was "in character" I NEVER had a problem. As soon as I was back to being me, I stuttered like crazy.
What do you think?
Jilian that's a great point!
I've never thought about that but I think it is a possibility. When I teach I feel like I am another person. I thought it was English but when I go to my meetings with my coordinator (Canadian) who monitors my classes I block and substitute a lot.
Stuttering is so complicated that we would never now for sure but your point makes sense. I feel so confident in class that it might be because I representing another "character".
Thanks for you comment!
Carlos
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