The power position

Stuttering is not the same to every individual. What would work for some would not work for others because of its complexity. This is why, at times, I feel so lonely and vulnerable. However we stutterers, share common struggles that in some way unite one same feeling of complete frustration.

As you may know by know, I am a teacher. Also I stutter more in Spanish than in English. I have tried to find the reasons to why this happens and have my own conclusions. What troubles me is how, in my case, stuttering or stammering seems to be morphing or changing. This means that I stutter differently now that I did before. For example, I used to not stutter with my bosses but now I am starting to. I also did not stutter with some people but the more I opened up the more I stuttered. So I am now seeing some patterns and have come to a discovery of the Power Position.

My best example is that when I teach I am in control, thus in a power position. This sensation of control relaxes me (I suppose) or creates in me a sense of confidence. I have realized that after my classes when students come to me to talk about other things not related to the course then I start stuttering more. I also teach Spanish and I always expect the worse but when I am in class I stutter less. It seems that this Power Position gives me an extra backup or just more room to relax. Of course I have my days but stuttering is usually worsen when I fall out of this position.

For instance, I used to be very fluent with my bosses and used to talk very relaxed. Then I started intimating more and opening up and suddenly I was in a position where I started to talk to them more friendly wise. I fell out of position and now I avoid talking to them because I just can't find the words and I just doubt about myself. It is hard to tell you about the Power Position because I do not understand it completely.

What I know for sure is that if I would not have this Power Position I would not be able to be a teacher don't you guys think? And believe me I do stutter. In my class I am the main guy, the one who controls the environment, who puts order. This gives me this position. However when my wife tells me about a social gathering with her friends I fall completely out of position. Everyone will look at me and will want to meet me and I will have to talk naturally and well, no Power Position. If I could only know how to manage this state and repeat it throughout all my interactions I bet I could improve a lot.

At any rate, I do feel that my stuttering is changing and is getting stronger. I hope that I don't lose this Power Position effect because I am good at what I do. Stuttering is too complex!

Birthday Revelation

Last Tuesday was my Birthday. You know, that day of the year when people are forced to call you and to say something nice. I always disliked this day because I hate the extra attention. However, even though I try to avoid the spotlight, deep inside I wanted it to be a special day.

This year I realized how my stuttering has affected my social connections. I got around 5 to 8 calls. Even if I wanted, there was nothing I could've done to organize a reunion. It was just so lame and pathetic that I missed the attention. My parents are in the USA and my friends are... FORGOTTEN! I have created such isolation that I have lost contact with them. I have rejected so many invitations because of my stuttering. I used to get calls from aunts and cousins but I have missed those family reunions. My family thinks I just don't want to be with them or that I have changed. Most do not know I stutter. The only ones that have called were my grandparents and even they sounded "weird". Of course, I am just so concentrated in avoiding anything that involves exposing myself talking that I haven't visited them for ages.

I do not want this. I wish I could be stronger to tolerate all the pain and shame that stuttering brings. At least I have realized that I have to change. I can't keep on doing this. I need to confront my fears although it won't be fun. Finally I got what I always thought I wanted: A birthday in which no one would notice,but man it is not pretty!

Scanman II - The Journey Continues

I remember a couple of years ago stumbling upon the name Scanman and I fit perfectly for its sequel.

What amazes me most about being a stutter is my ability to foresee the future regarding my speech. According to innumerable sites and books, the problem in stuttering relies in the muscle tension that is produced when speaking. here is one quote from Wikibooks.org regarding this issue:

Core Stuttering behaviors:

• Disordered breathing, including antagonism between abdominal (belly) and thoracic (upper chest) respiratory muscles; complete cessation of breathing, and interrupting exhalation with inhalation.

• Disordered vocal folds, including high levels of muscle activity or muscle tension; poor laryngeal too late or holding tension too long; and poor coordination of laryngeal muscles, e.g., incompatible contractions of opposing muscles.

• Disordered articulation, including dysfunctions of the lips, jaw, and tongue in stuttering.

I just describe it as a pressure in my chest that won´t let me say what I want to say at the right time. It is just frustrating because you cannot go on. Now, this of course not happens when you have the correct "air flow" going in and out. For example when we sing we never stutter. But what about when we speck to ourselves? We don´t either because there is no muscle tension going on. Hmmm... for these reasons many call it a social disorder because of external factors involved. It may seem simple then to try to point put the solution. CALM DOWN AND TALK SLOWLY! How many times have I tried and it does helpo but also you sound like a retard at times. However in social spotlights it does not work. It is like there are bricks on top of you.

This is where I noticed "my" powers. I started scanning what I was going to say and choose the stutterless words. If the stuttering words were completely necessary I would choose for a synonym. If not I would simply shut up, change the subject of the conversation, say I don't know or just simply... ummm.. SssSSS--TtttttTT-eeeeRR. Wow I said. And I was good at it. I then knew it! I WAS SCANMAN!!!

This happens so fast. It is just at most 3 seconds (with practice). Our brains don´t even want to say what we think or feel but what we can say at that right moment. Say you wanted a cookie but you scanned the sentence before and detected cookie sending a rush of fear that there is a 75.8% chance of stuttering on it. Then you see the table. Ok, what else can I ask for. Time is running up damn it! Shit, there is also a slice of chocolate cake but the "k" sound is in cake and today I feel really stuttery with the "k" sound. Then you see it. Oh yeah. Scanman has done it again. "May I have just plain water?" "Oh", they reply. "Don't you want something to eat?" " No, sir (I scanned thanks and replaced it with sir in 0.876 seconds and gee it sounded too formal but what the hell) "I am on a diet". A diet, I thought to myself. I haven't been on a diet for like... oh ... NEVER. But Scanman pulled it out one more time. He is not always versatile with word selections but he gets the work done.

This is interesting though. I mean think about it. We scan to catch stuttery words but there is no rigid pattern. I mean of course, sounds n, p, k, s, b, and a are among my top feared ones but there are days when the n sound cleared by the scanning process. What I am getting to is that if I am tensed I should stutter in the same sounds. Also, when I am relaxed I should stutter less. The truth is sometimes I am really relaxed and stutter like crazy.

Fortunately, I am Scanman. Many people wish to see him defeated though. "Just stutter". Maybe they are right but when you are a superhero with these super powers that you can use to not be the ridicule of a social gathering, one just can't contain such power. Many times I have thrown off the costume but I am Scanman and I need myself. So you might not know who I am, or what I am up to because my labor is in silence but where stuttering and stammering hides, where muscle tensions happen, or where social gatherings occur, Scanman is there to save the day.

Accepting my stuttering / stammering

Now this is interesting. Almost everyone agrees that the best way to reduce or live with one's stutter is by accepting it. This means to accept the fact that you are not able to express yourself in the right time and with the right words. Well, I can accept it. That is not that hard. But am I accepted?

We all seek to be accepted, to be part of a group or team. We hunger to blend with others. If this does not happen then we are affected no matter how strong we are. Some people say they don't care (I was one). That is just something we say to make others not pity you or to make us look strong and content. The truth is it hurts to be outside the circle.

Stutterers are victims of stereotypes. We are seen as, slow, anxious, nervous, insecure, dumb people among other qualifiers. What this means is that we are messed up. People think that we can actually not stutter if we concentrate or speak slow. They say we cannot control the stress and that we are weak. Some may be true but I know a lot of people that have some of these qualities and do not stutter. In fact, who does not have one of the mentioned problems but hey, only 1% of people stutter.

So stutters know the truth. We can have a high self esteem and accept reality. However this is not the root of our pain. It is what others think. And do not bring the bullshit that it does not matter because it does. You mean, stuttering at your in-law's at the table while others mumble making the woman that you love blush and stare down won't affect you. To try to defend your wife from others that are being offensive and start rattling and giving them the power to pulverize your ego while your wife expects some protection and security. Hold on, you are saying that not being able to argue and to ask for things that you do not want just because they are easily to spell out. THIS AFFECTS YOU AND WILL ALWAYS DO. You may control it, learn ways to cope with the pain but I cannot see myself in a future saying "I do not care, That is me" In fact I do not want this. I want to care because I love my wife, and love ones. So when people tell me to accept my stuttering they do not see the whole picture. I accept it but am not accepted. I ease the pain but the pain that I indirectly produce in the ones I care hurts me as well.

I know what I bring to a social group. Stutterers bring tension, guilt, pity. It is inevitable. How do I know? Because I feel that when I meet a stutterer. I just want him to shut up or to not even try to speak. When he stutters I go through the whole pain. If I stutter I get looks and people do not want to talk to me that much and there is nothing I can do. YEAH YEAH, bring me the same BS that we know better, because they are ignorant. Well excuse me but when ignorance is a mainstream having the reason does not do anything for me. When I hear the top scholars and scientists stating that they know little about how to cure stuttering I feel ignorance everywhere.

Having a stutter is horrible because people are not sympathetic. If you see a blind person you do not see people laughing at him "Hey What color is my shirt?" You do not see this because it is cruel. Imagine making fun of a cripple for not being able to go to a PE class. People understand their pain even though they cay see and run, however they do not understand a stutterer.

So whenever I hear someone telling me to accept my stutterer I just want to punch them. "I AM A STUTTERER AND I ACCEPT IT. There you go pal. Now please get out of my face will ya?" There are many things that only stutterers will get so if you can speak fluently give thanks to God. I give thanks to God for me legs and my life and even though I am a stutterer I know I have many good things in my life.