right_side
In:

Birthday Revelation

Last Tuesday was my Birthday. You know, that day of the year when people are forced to call you and to say something nice. I always disliked this day because I hate the extra attention. However, even though I try to avoid the spotlight, deep inside I wanted it to be a special day.

This year I realized how my stuttering has affected my social connections. I got around 5 to 8 calls. Even if I wanted, there was nothing I could've done to organize a reunion. It was just so lame and pathetic that I missed the attention. My parents are in the USA and my friends are... FORGOTTEN! I have created such isolation that I have lost contact with them. I have rejected so many invitations because of my stuttering. I used to get calls from aunts and cousins but I have missed those family reunions. My family thinks I just don't want to be with them or that I have changed. Most do not know I stutter. The only ones that have called were my grandparents and even they sounded "weird". Of course, I am just so concentrated in avoiding anything that involves exposing myself talking that I haven't visited them for ages.

I do not want this. I wish I could be stronger to tolerate all the pain and shame that stuttering brings. At least I have realized that I have to change. I can't keep on doing this. I need to confront my fears although it won't be fun. Finally I got what I always thought I wanted: A birthday in which no one would notice,but man it is not pretty!

In:

Scanman II - The Journey Continues

I remember a couple of years ago stumbling upon the name Scanman and I fit perfectly for its sequel.

What amazes me most about being a stutter is my ability to foresee the future regarding my speech. According to innumerable sites and books, the problem in stuttering relies in the muscle tension that is produced when speaking. here is one quote from Wikibooks.org regarding this issue:

Core Stuttering behaviors:

  • Disordered breathing, including antagonism between abdominal (belly) and thoracic (upper chest) respiratory muscles; complete cessation of breathing, and interrupting exhalation with inhalation.
  • Disordered vocal folds, including high levels of muscle activity or muscle tension; poor laryngeal too late or holding tension too long; and poor coordination of laryngeal muscles, e.g., incompatible contractions of opposing muscles.
  • Disordered articulation, including dysfunctions of the lips, jaw, and tongue in stuttering.

I just describe it as a pressure in my chest that won´t let me say what I want to say at the right time. It is just frustrating because you cannot go on. Now, this of course not happens when you have the correct "air flow" going in and out. For example when we sing we never stutter. But what about when we speck to ourselves? We don´t either because there is no muscle tension going on. Hmmm... for these reasons many call it a social disorder because of external factors involved. It may seem simple then to try to point put the solution. CALM DOWN AND TALK SLOWLY! How many times have I tried and it does helpo but also you sound like a retard at times. However in social spotlights it does not work. It is like there are bricks on top of you.

This is where I noticed "my" powers. I started scanning what I was going to say and choose the stutterless words. If the stuttering words were completely necessary I would choose for a synonym. If not I would simply shut up, change the subject of the conversation, say I don't know or just simply... ummm.. SssSSS--TtttttTT-eeeeRR. Wow I said. And I was good at it. I then knew it! I WAS SCANMAN!!!

This happens so fast. It is just at most 3 seconds (with practice). Our brains don´t even want to say what we think or feel but what we can say at that right moment. Say you wanted a cookie but you scanned the sentence before and detected cookie sending a rush of fear that there is a 75.8% chance of stuttering on it. Then you see the table. Ok, what else can I ask for. Time is running up damn it! Shit, there is also a slice of chocolate cake but the "k" sound is in cake and today I feel really stuttery with the "k" sound. Then you see it. Oh yeah. Scanman has done it again. "May I have just plain water?" "Oh", they reply. "Don't you want something to eat?" " No, sir (I scanned thanks and replaced it with sir in 0.876 seconds and gee it sounded too formal but what the hell) "I am on a diet". A diet, I thought to myself. I haven't been on a diet for like... oh ... NEVER. But Scanman pulled it out one more time. He is not always versatile with word selections but he gets the work done.

This is interesting though. I mean think about it. We scan to catch stuttery words but there is no rigid pattern. I mean of course, sounds n, p, k, s, b, and a are among my top feared ones but there are days when the n sound cleared by the scanning process. What I am getting to is that if I am tensed I should stutter in the same sounds. Also, when I am relaxed I should stutter less. The truth is sometimes I am really relaxed and stutter like crazy.

Fortunately, I am Scanman. Many people wish to see him defeated though. "Just stutter". Maybe they are right but when you are a superhero with these super powers that you can use to not be the ridicule of a social gathering, one just can't contain such power. Many times I have thrown off the costume but I am Scanman and I need myself. So you might not know who I am, or what I am up to because my labor is in silence but where stuttering and stammering hides, where muscle tensions happen, or where social gatherings occur, Scanman is there to save the day.

In:

Accepting my stuttering / stammering

Now this is interesting. Almost everyone agrees that the best way to reduce or live with one's stutter is by accepting it. This means to accept the fact that you are not able to express yourself in the right time and with the right words. Well, I can accept it. That is not that hard. But am I accepted?

We all seek to be accepted, to be part of a group or team. We hunger to blend with others. If this does not happen then we are affected no matter how strong we are. Some people say they don't care (I was one). That is just something we say to make others not pity you or to make us look strong and content. The truth is it hurts to be outside the circle.

Stutterers are victims of stereotypes. We are seen as, slow, anxious, nervous, insecure, dumb people among other qualifiers. What this means is that we are messed up. People think that we can actually not stutter if we concentrate or speak slow. They say we cannot control the stress and that we are weak. Some may be true but I know a lot of people that have some of these qualities and do not stutter. In fact, who does not have one of the mentioned problems but hey, only 1% of people stutter.

So stutters know the truth. We can have a high self esteem and accept reality. However this is not the root of our pain. It is what others think. And do not bring the bullshit that it does not matter because it does. You mean, stuttering at your in-law's at the table while others mumble making the woman that you love blush and stare down won't affect you. To try to defend your wife from others that are being offensive and start rattling and giving them the power to pulverize your ego while your wife expects some protection and security. Hold on, you are saying that not being able to argue and to ask for things that you do not want just because they are easily to spell out. THIS AFFECTS YOU AND WILL ALWAYS DO. You may control it, learn ways to cope with the pain but I cannot see myself in a future saying "I do not care, That is me" In fact I do not want this. I want to care because I love my wife, and love ones. So when people tell me to accept my stuttering they do not see the whole picture. I accept it but am not accepted. I ease the pain but the pain that I indirectly produce in the ones I care hurts me as well.

I know what I bring to a social group. Stutterers bring tension, guilt, pity. It is inevitable. How do I know? Because I feel that when I meet a stutterer. I just want him to shut up or to not even try to speak. When he stutters I go through the whole pain. If I stutter I get looks and people do not want to talk to me that much and there is nothing I can do. YEAH YEAH, bring me the same BS that we know better, because they are ignorant. Well excuse me but when ignorance is a mainstream having the reason does not do anything for me. When I hear the top scholars and scientists stating that they know little about how to cure stuttering I feel ignorance everywhere.

Having a stutter is horrible because people are not sympathetic. If you see a blind person you do not see people laughing at him "Hey What color is my shirt?" You do not see this because it is cruel. Imagine making fun of a cripple for not being able to go to a PE class. People understand their pain even though they cay see and run, however they do not understand a stutterer.

So whenever I hear someone telling me to accept my stutterer I just want to punch them. "I AM A STUTTERER AND I ACCEPT IT. There you go pal. Now please get out of my face will ya?" There are many things that only stutterers will get so if you can speak fluently give thanks to God. I give thanks to God for me legs and my life and even though I am a stutterer I know I have many good things in my life.

In:

Reasons I stopped taking antidepressants for my stuttering

I remember stepping into the psychiatrist's office with so much hope. I felt so close to finding a cure. It was exiting and scary. My name was called and I had a little rush. This is it. Behind the door I will get help. I greeted the doc and sat down. She made a bunch of questions and pretty much wrote down obvious things. Then it came. I told her I stuttered. I am not used to this because I hide it all the time. She looked at me and I was awaiting her answer impatiently. Her answer was so dull and pathetic that I just felt nauseous because of my deception. She said "Well, just talk slower" WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I did not even argue with her because obviously she was useless in the subject. Dang! I felt like walking away right there and go back to the old drawing board. But I went through the ride.

I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. She gave me prozac and klonopin. I kindly said thanks while in my head I through a swing at her smile. Oh well, at least I have the drugs. It might still be the answer. I took them out and looked at them and kinda whispered to them. "Ok boys, do your job". I started taking it and nothing. No change at all. The klonopin did make me feel drowsy and calm but it made me sleep. I mean it worked. It avoided my stutter because it made me sleep (lol). I remember going to a social gathering better known to us stutterers as a torture session. Before going I took a 2mg klonopin and 30 minutes into a conversation I was dead asleep. My wife had to excuse me and our friends took pictures. It was embarrassing.

In my third month I was feeling fooled. Prozac wasn´t working and I was feeling like a guinea pig test. Then I watched this video in youtube that I want to share. Here it is:

I was having one sensation that I couldn't very well describe - until i watched this video. It was the electricity "shock" coming from the back of my head and going down like a rush.It was not at all like the ones described in the video. However I started to look into the antidepressants more. Really the difference between the placebo and that of the antidepressants effect from that of main antidepressants isn't that high. This means that a lot of people who took a void pill did in many time as well than that of taking a real antidepressant. Then I looked at my situation. I was starting to put a drug in brain which is altering my system because of my stuttering which was not even considered by my psychiatrist? I don't want to say that this doesn't work for everyone but it wasn't doing anything for me. There absolutely no difference from talking and not taking it. There are so many gray sections when using antidepressants. What I saw is just a huge amount of companies starving for money. Why take pills that have so many cons and that state that it might not work. How risky! If they are not sure it will work for "you" it means they don't fully comprehend how it works in your body. So then I will put it in my brain and see what it does? Suppose it makes me more anxious or pushed to suicidal thoughts (which they say in their bottles). They will not take any blame for it. They are protected by their laws. I just am not ready to keep being a guinea pig and to blend drugs with my brain. If you are taking antidepressants and it works great. However I see so many hungry vultures that starved for a load of cash. In this video it made me feel used. I fell in the system. Just to be clear. I am not saying I will ever take an antidepressant but I won't take one unless I see all the facts clear in front of me.

Anxiety disorder huh? Well, don't all stutters have this innate in us? Who doesn't get anxious before speaking. And we human speak all the time. At any rate, looking at the withdrawal symptoms of the antidepressants and analyzing carefully my situation I quit Prozac with fortunately minimal (close to 0) withdrawal symptoms. I still keep some klonopin pills for emergencies.

In:

I am back - UPDATES

It has been so long. I kinda avoided posting here. I think because I was just so hurt for all the things I have been through (mainly because of my mother's illness and of course my stuttering). But I am back for now trying to share my stories.

It was at the beginning of year in early January 2008 when I got the phone call. It was mom and she sounded sad. I knew something was wrong and then she said it. Man words can hurt. "I have cancer". I just dropped to the floor and wanted to be with her but due to the immigration paperwork mess up I could not reenter the States.

My mother is just plain and simply inspirational. She is so brave and strong and has such tremendous faith in God. It was a tough year and she has been through roughly 6 to 8 chemotherapy sessions. She finally beat leukemia although some say the fight is never over but she has been in remission for nearly 7 months and in her lasts tests she was clean.

Needless to say this has affected me. I went through so much and my stuttering / stammering has gotten worse. I stopped taking Prozac and klonopin (although I have klonopin pills for emergency social gatherings if you know what I mean - I will write a post talking about why I left prozac) I think that wasn't the answer for me. What is the answer? I still don't have a clue. I have been on this ride which I try to understand. I try to figure out patterns, events that might trigger my stutter over the limits. Some weeks I just can't stand myself. I avoid any social gatherings but it depresses me. I want to socialize so much but it is just pathetic.

As of this month so far (January 2009), in a scale of 1 - 10 (10 being my highest stutterer episode) I would say I am in a 4 in public and in a 8 when I want to argue with my wife! LEt my clarify that most people still do not notice my stutterness. I keep on blocking. I have like a red emergency button that I push on when I see a stutering rampage comming. I just hit it and go mute. It is so frustating but it is a temporary answer although it isn't what I want.

So, I will keep on sharing with my fellow stutters and others my stories. Take care and thanks for dropping by.