Stuttering & Stammering A diary of a stutter; his struggles, experiences and anecdotes: January 2008

Stuttering really brings me down but there are times when funny things happen and I can laugh at it. Let's face it, stuttering can be really funny. When I am with people who I know really care about me I don't mind laughing at it. Just picture when you are in a middle of a sentence and all of a sudden you block yourself and can't say a word. You are like: "So what do you think about having a ----?" "You know one of those mmmm" Ok in you mind you want to say mokachino but you can see problems ahead. You have 3 options: start rattleling mo mo mo moe moooo kakaka chinnnnnnnnnno, block yourself and stay mute, or order something else like a shake or water.

The rattleling really is a terrible moment where you feel like an ass but it is funny to my friends and they just slap me or something. The second one is the best. Because you can see the clerk just staring at you and he does not know what the hell is going on. Well, then you can throw some ums, wells, let me see, or the one I love, Ok thanks. HAHA, you guys gotta do that one. Excuse me, could I have the ummm .... Ok THANKS. The last option should be reserved for emergencies but is commonly used. I hate eating or drinking something I do not want. GEE I want a moka and I am having Iced Tea?

One of the best ones that I could share was when I went to a fancy restaurant with my then girlfriend. I was going through the menu and wanted this dish but it was a hard one. I did not want my girl to ask it for me because I am the guy you know (This is always a problem for stutterers, we want to be gentlemen but since we block at times we then want our partners to do it). Well, I started to practice in my mind and thought I was ready so I lifted my hand so that this well suited "mesero" came to take my order. He then came all well versed and welcomed us and proposed the best dishes. I knew what to order but suddently, it happened. I was blocked, the seconds past and the waiter was staring at me with his fine point ball pen ready to rescue the order from that table. SHIT (Stuttering makes me grouchy and often when I am in a stuttery day I am not in the mood for anything) so then I came up with something that really made the day. I said, in a heavy and imperative tone "Um, Listen, Come back when I am able to talk will you?" The waiter did not know what to think, I mean, who would? I then snapped back and noticed that I said what I was thinking. The waiter's face was that of a guy who just found out his girl was a shemale (btw I have nothing against shemales but if you are you gotta state it up front). He left with a puzzled face and stared back a couple of times like if he were twitching. My girl started laughing so much and who could blame her. What do you do with a request like this? Would he come back and ask: "Are you ready to ..um.. speak?" I followed my girl and started laughing as well and we always laugh when I am about to order.

Well, if you have any funny stuttering anecdotes send in a comment.

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I was so nervous because it was the first time that both families would meet together before our wedding and there was no way out. I knew that I could not use avoidance and that substituting words would be very difficult. This dreadful meeting was called "la pedida de mano" and my grandparents and one of my aunts were going to attend this reunion in representation of my parents who are in Florida. On the the side was my future mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and 2 grandparents.

All that morning I was trying to be calm and practice so that I wouldn't stutter. All this backfired and built more anxiety. In one point I thought of fleeing but realized this was not the best option because I would ruin it all. But what if I stuttered badly? What if I freeze? I know it seems I am exaggerating but I am not known as a stutterer and lets face it, when one stutters people see you and a person who lacks confidence, who is nervous and in this case, they can figure that I am lying in my declaration of love. Of course my fiance was fine and relaxed while I was starting my prayer number 1000. The countdown started and I was trying to get a hold of the situation. I started doing some relaxed breathing and went to the bathroom to talk to myself in the mirror trying to build some confidence. "Come on man you can do this" "Say just what you need to and that is it"

The meeting was at my girl's house and I was already there. My grandparents came and all was set. They started talking but I hardly participated because I knew I would have to talk later, so why use my stutterless words now you know. Just before the big scene started I went to the bathroom which was becoming my confidence headquarters . I looked at the mirror and prayed, " oh God please give me fluency just for this moment. Make my words flow easily because this is an important step for my future wife and I don't want to ruin it". So my mother-in-law started saying how she was a witness of our love and bla bla bla. Then some others joined in and believe it or not, there was a window to avoid talking. They were ready to wrap it up and go to have dinner. But I looked at my wife and I really really wanted to express what I felt for her and why I wanted to marry her. So then I, spoke and said, "I would like to say some words .... "

One of my readers put on the comments that miracles do exist. Well it happened, my prayers were answered. I gave a hell of a speech and without substituting or stuttering. It was amazing and I have no clue how I did this. I made some cry because I opened my heart and it really came out well. After I finished I went to the bathroom and thanked God because I felt he had something to do with it (although if God exists then He allowed or put the stuttering in me when he created me but hey, I do not want to wreck this moment). I was so happy because I saw my future woman crying and proud of me not because I didn't stutter (she thinks it is not a big deal) but because of my words. Now there was one more obstacle in the way, the big day, my wedding.

It is so difficult to see life as I used to. I am in great pain. My life has changed and I do not know what will happen next. Yesterday (January 13th, 2008), I got a call from Florida. I was resting and my sister-in-law started calling me but in her message I knew something was wrong. She said my father had to talk to me about something very important. I went down the stairs and started wondering what was happening. I knew it was not good. I thought about my brother (who is my son but lives with my parents) but my heart knew it was about my mother. I wasn´t wrong. My father told me that she was not feeling well lately and that she went to the doctor to get some treatment. Then it struck me. My heart was broken and my tears rolled down my face. My mother has cancer.



Leukemia they call it and it has captured my mom. I am so lost now, I love her to death and I am so far away from her. I am her only son and I so want to be at her side but the imperialist, bloodsucking embassy of the U.S in Peru(which has no relation with my feelings to my second country) has built up an unfair case for my not acceptance to the country. See, my parents are legal in the States and have all their papers straight but here in the US embassy they do not recognize the immigration papers. It is so insulting because it makes no sense.



Mom, don´t you leave us. We need you and I know you are a fighter. You are so full of faith that we will beat this terrible enemy. Yesterday when you talked to me on the phone, you asked me for one thing ¨Get close to God son¨ Yeah mom, I am so far from Him now, my faith is weak and I do not pray anymore. But God, why do you let my mom go through this? You know she has suffered way too much and now this? I do not understand You. And she, still clings to You with no doubts and no remorse. Sometimes I just can´t understand Your ways.



Soon we will get news on how strong the cancer is and it is a sickening wait. I posted this to get it out of my chest because crying is not enough. Please have Sonia in your prayers.

Do we all have a purpose in life? Do we have a written destiny? Well, I am not even going to try to discuss this because I might never end. However I do ask myself many times why I have to be a stutterer and be in the 1 or 2% group. I believe in God just like 95% of people (God, Allah, the omega or any Deity) So if God does exist then He had made me with this "gift". Ok, now my other side of the brain says to me no way. This is something that does not come from God but from a kind of physical or psychological problem that I have acquired in this world. Regardless of what the truth is I just feel in someway kinda cursed. I know not one stutterer near me and few people can understand me. What I see is a crowd of judging people ready to tag you with a hurting label. I was going around in the stuttering forum and came across this post. Here is a part of that post: "I don't want to be stressed. I want to be like everybody else. I hate that speech impediments have such a weird place in society. Nobody takes them seriously, nobody understands their true impact. I hate that only 3% of people have impediments, and a huge % of that 3% grows out of it. Why didn't I grow out of it? I hate that I meet so many people and encounter so many people every day, and every single one of them talks normal and I can't. It's so beyond frustrating. Go to a mall, go to the beach. All the hundreds and hundreds of people around you, all talking totally normal, it's so frustrating. I want to know what it's like to be able to express myself, and to have the sole consideration, when speaking, on what you're trying to say, not on your stutter. When we stutterers speak, it's a huge ordeal. Our first priority is fluency, everything else is second. Non-stutterers cannot even fathom what that is like. Talking is like walking for them, no thought required. I want to know what that's like.I'm not bitter, I'm just a little lost. I got straight A's in school, I have an outgoing personality, I'm charismatic, and this impediment will cause me to choose the career path of a total introvert. It is so hard, and I'm just so frustrated"
Originally Posted by DZJ

When I read this I felt understood and in a way supported. He put it in such a way that hits the right keys on the frustration that we feel. The big challenge is to deal with this feeling. What is the next step? Does this become a pain cycle where we become bitter with ourselves?

I feel inspired when I watch TV and see the stories of people who become successful and they are handicapped. You see great stories of people with one leg, one arm, no arms, people who are def, blind people and much more being the best in what they are. So then people say to us, "See those people made it through, your problem is not that big as theirs so follow their example". However there is one piece in the puzzle that most do not see. People never laugh at these handicapped people. I mean you would have to be a complete and utter bastard to do it right? In fact, people want to help them and give praises to them. On the other hand, people laugh at stutterers. They make fun of us, judge us and think that we are not intelligent or that we are too nervous to talk. Instead of praising us some are annoyed by us. So having this "gift" is really special because we are so misunderstood and stereotyped in a negative and very hurtful way that some handicaps do not go through.

Finding a solution is an ongoing issue. But maybe I am with this gift for a reason which I do not know about. I try to see the good side of it. There are things we stutterers have that others do not. We see life in a deeper way and most of us are real smart. We are fighters and have adapted in this world so well at times. I mean, we substitute words in seconds and avoid difficult words and people sometimes do not even know. I do not argue too much with my wife because I sound funny. It is like " I dont know why you ha haaa had t tt to...umm I work all day and you ccc cco cc OK BYE! See, normal people would have said hurting words and sometimes it is best to not say them.

Unfortunately, this seems to be overwhelmed by the negatives but I exhort you stutterers to remain positive about the future. Try to find help. I have never been to a therapists because of time but will be seeing one. What I have done is opened up to my family and that has helped. It is a short life so lets not fall into depression. Why me? Why us? I do not know but it is who we are and I life goes on. Do we live it hurting myself or do we take the best from life and learn to confront my challenges and succeed?

Well, I am back from my trip to Machu Picchu and of course I have more stutter stories from that journey. I also have not forgotten my wedding story which I will go back to in my next post so do not think I am slacking. I just wanted to share the reason for this blog to be out there in the cyberspace and expectations I have for it.

Stuttering is a big, huge I should say, problem. I am still trying to fully accept it and understand it. Many times I feel very but very lonely in this. I can't mention this problem just to anyone because of the ignorance on the issue. Most people think that one stutters when one is nervous and others think stutterers are dumb or have been traumatized to a point in which it has affected our brain. While of course this may happen, it is not accurate in most cases. We, stutterers, are normal people with great skills hopes and abilities. We happen to be great thinkers and are often pretty darn smart. I think this is what hurts us more. I mean, to portray people that cannot speak because of lack of confidence, ideas, intelligence is completely and utterly far away from reality. But hey, I am not going to argue with every and single person who thinks differently. However, could I just say "I do not care on what people say, I will just go on with my life because the opinions of others do not affect me"? Although, this would be idealistic it is not true for me. I do care. I care when people talk around my shoulder. I care when I hear whisperings and gossips stating that I have issues. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I am what people say or that I depend on what others think. I am just saying that it saddens and affects me.

I would like this blog to be an open source of valuable information about who a stutterer is and what he goes through. My stories are posted so that others stutterers can see that we are not alone. That in one place far way from home, like Peru, there is someone who understands,who knows what you are going through and who cares despite the fact there might be age or race differences. How many times have I just stayed quiet and said nothing thinking that no one would understand and that I was some kind of "freak" because I could not say what I wanted to. Well, this is why I did this blog and if I just have 2 readers or 2000 it will make a difference.

I would also like to receive other stories and post it. Maybe just through the comments of by email so that I can include a tab on top of my blog labeled "Other stories" (working title). So if you read a story and feel inspired just email me and I will start posting other stories. It does not even matter really if you comment, or send an email, what matters most is that stutterers feel identified and supported and that non stutterers gain more knowledge about what we go through and learn to respect the fact that one stutters.. We can encourage others and unite our efforts because stutterers rock. Seriously, I have never met a shallow stutterer. Most of us have great personalities and have a huge heart.

I do not know what road this blog but I will be happy as long as it increments awareness on the subject and brings union among stutterers through the internet. I want to thank all of you that have read this humble blog and to those who have commented. Please let me know if you have any suggestions or advice. I hope you all have had a great Christmas and a better New Year's day.