The torture continues as I run out of time I put positive thoughts in my mind and try to look optimistic and relaxed. These should be exiting times. It is my wedding for crying out loud. However the reality is cruel and damaging. I feel anxious, worried, nervous and a bit depressed. I say to myself "I don't have to go through this. No one is forcing me, why am I supposed to do what people want?" But then I see her, the bride, my girlfriend for nearly 7 years, my future wife; the one person I will give it all for. I can't take this away from her. It is something she has dreamed about all her life. It is then when I see things clearly. I realize that I will go through all of this not because I have to, or want to but because I love her and want to make her happy.

What started as a small family and really close friend reunion was turning into a huge monster. The invitation list grew from 80 to 250 and was threatening to hit the killing 300 mark. The percentage favored my wife with 80% of guest being hers. Yeah, why not throw in a reality show crew and broadcast it live. Gee, now I was in trouble. The small snow ball hit downhill and there was nothing to stop it.

To my surprise, something happened that raised the stutter level to a defcon 4. I had forgotten about a celebration before the big crucial day. Because of my romantic and chessy Peruvian culture there is a family reunion called "la pedida de mano" which literally means the petition of the hand (of the bride's of course). This event consisted in going with my family to the bride's house and opening my heart expressing my reasons and motives to marry her daughter.

Did I say I was screwed? Well, to me, this reunion had one clear meaning. It was the unmasking of the stuttering groom in front of both families. I suddenly got the chill and became even more anxious and frustrated. Why God? What can't I be normal? Why do I have to feel this pressure on my chest and stomach which takes control and does not allow me to be myself. I just want to be able to speak! Is this too much to ask? I have great things to share about my great love for this woman. Damn it! I can even feel poetry within me but this weight doesn't let go of me. I am tired of fighting. I just want to express what I think and feel but I am in this prison. God please, give me clarity at least for these important days. Take this pressure away. If it is not for me do it for my future woman because she well deserves it.

This is all I felt and much more. Still, life goes on and the great day is near and the "pedida de mano" is even closer. As time went by I hated myself more and more and wished I were different. But this is me, this is who I am and there is still strength inside of me to fight on.