tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33173680204656280202024-02-07T20:11:32.355-08:00Stuttering & Stammering A diary of a stutter; his struggles, experiences and anecdotesStories of a closet stutterer who carries on with his life trying to figure out a cure.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-83163463589483555372009-07-16T21:27:00.000-07:002009-07-16T21:33:01.386-07:00Back to antidepressantsIt is not that I am weak. I know I said I did not want to take drugs but things were getting out of hand. I wasn't able to be calm and was too anxious. It was interfering my life to a point which just was tormenting me.<br /><br />I am know on Lexapro (escitalopram) which is supposed to be a leap from Prozac (fluexetine). Has it worked? Umm, I think a bit. I still get anxious but not on a daily basis. I was expecting that it would reduce my stuttering and well, it has only because it has reduced my anxiety although I have to admit it is a very minor improvement.<br /><br />I am forgetting things, misplaceing words in my sentences and cannot manage to get the correct message. I almost miss the good times when I just stuttered. However I am not going to start bitching about it. I have learned that I have to be more positive you know. Life is going well and my marriage is just outstanding. I have to focus on the bright sude of life and while stuttering brings me down at times, I have decided to not let it defeat me. At least for now.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-77295126303485019132009-04-02T11:30:00.000-07:002009-04-02T12:33:30.962-07:00The power positionStuttering is not the same to every individual. What would work for some would not work for others because of its complexity. This is why, at times, I feel so lonely and vulnerable. However we stutterers, share common struggles that in some way unite one same feeling of complete frustration.<br /><br />As you may know by know, I am a teacher. Also I stutter more in Spanish than in English. I have tried to find the reasons to why this happens and have my own conclusions. What troubles me is how, in my case, stuttering or stammering seems to be morphing or changing. This means that I stutter differently now that I did before. For example, I used to not stutter with my bosses but now I am starting to. I also did not stutter with some people but the more I opened up the more I stuttered. So I am now seeing some patterns and have come to a discovery of the Power Position.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRfECCyncFqius1gzZUvyqygGQW83sru1i0HMpHj57W3vsRkDuyKA7NSv2dY8Y14zDEWTiaij59wF1Z0WsKGYdaHcGzfPf-mXyzszEKyFxypsGScqsX5pIiwbsI9dZ2D8Ag1IKeXUMAGyp/s1600-h/watermark.html"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 160px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRfECCyncFqius1gzZUvyqygGQW83sru1i0HMpHj57W3vsRkDuyKA7NSv2dY8Y14zDEWTiaij59wF1Z0WsKGYdaHcGzfPf-mXyzszEKyFxypsGScqsX5pIiwbsI9dZ2D8Ag1IKeXUMAGyp/s320/watermark.html" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5320179077175636674" border="0" /></a><br /><br />My best example is that when I teach I am in control, thus in a power position. This sensation of control relaxes me (I suppose) or creates in me a sense of confidence. I have realized that after my classes when students come to me to talk about other things not related to the course then I start stuttering more. I also teach Spanish and I always expect the worse but when I am in class I stutter less. It seems that this Power Position gives me an extra backup or just more room to relax. Of course I have my days but stuttering is usually worsen when I fall out of this position.<br /><br />For instance, I used to be very fluent with my bosses and used to talk very relaxed. Then I started intimating more and opening up and suddenly I was in a position where I started to talk to them more friendly wise. I fell out of position and now I avoid talking to them because I just can't find the words and I just doubt about myself. It is hard to tell you about the Power Position because I do not understand it completely.<br /><br />What I know for sure is that if I would not have this Power Position I would not be able to be a teacher don't you guys think? And believe me I do stutter. In my class I am the main guy, the one who controls the environment, who puts order. This gives me this position. However when my wife tells me about a social gathering with her friends I fall completely out of position. Everyone will look at me and will want to meet me and I will have to talk naturally and well, no Power Position. If I could only know how to manage this state and repeat it throughout all my interactions I bet I could improve a lot.<br /><br />At any rate, I do feel that my stuttering is changing and is getting stronger. I hope that I don't lose this Power Position effect because I am good at what I do. Stuttering is too complex!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-26814494427476569352009-01-29T10:10:00.000-08:002009-01-31T08:17:33.005-08:00Birthday RevelationLast Tuesday was my Birthday. You know, that day of the year when people are forced to call you and to say something nice. I always disliked this day because I hate the extra attention. However, even though I try to avoid the spotlight, deep inside I wanted it to be a special day.<br /><br />This year I realized how my stuttering has affected my social connections. I got around 5 to 8 calls. Even if I wanted, there was nothing I could've done to organ<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXlwlEchdLH1XhBlKDXPzK5XC3I8H1YJiNFm3pDlmuqM9yrcfb4Bntr-NaVX_Mwlr-I95syn_QQMVem5dkEc-tm63VVtAjStf_C6aZ5pLFJxc-7wDyR91dhvB0jlxH655f0brXyukS4_Ze/s1600-h/crappy_birthdayxl.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 218px; height: 218px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXlwlEchdLH1XhBlKDXPzK5XC3I8H1YJiNFm3pDlmuqM9yrcfb4Bntr-NaVX_Mwlr-I95syn_QQMVem5dkEc-tm63VVtAjStf_C6aZ5pLFJxc-7wDyR91dhvB0jlxH655f0brXyukS4_Ze/s320/crappy_birthdayxl.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5297492492515670754" border="0" /></a>ize a reunion. It was just so lame and pathetic that I missed the attention. My parents are in the USA and my friends are... FORGOTTEN! I have created such isolation that I have lost contact with them. I have rejected so many invitations because of my stuttering. I used to get calls from aunts and cousins but I have missed those family reunions. My family thinks I just don't want to be with them or that I have changed. Most do not know I stutter. The only ones that have called were my grandparents and even they sounded "weird". Of course, I am just so concentrated in avoiding anything that involves exposing myself talking that I haven't visited them for ages.<br /><br />I do not want this. I wish I could be stronger to tolerate all the pain and shame that stuttering brings. At least I have realized that I have to change. I can't keep on doing this. I need to confront my fears although it won't be fun. Finally I got what I always thought I wanted: A birthday in which no one would notice,but man it is not pretty!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-14810321278850556592009-01-21T08:19:00.000-08:002009-01-21T09:30:56.330-08:00Scanman II - The Journey ContinuesI remember a couple of years ago stumbling upon the name Scanman and I fit perfectly for its sequel.<br /><br />What amazes me most about being a stutter is my ability to foresee the future regarding my speech. According to innumerable sites and books, the problem in stuttering relies in the muscle tension that is produced when speaking. here is one quote from Wikibooks.org regarding this issue:<br /><br />Core Stuttering behaviors:<br /><blockquote style="font-style: italic;"><ul><li>Disordered breathing, including antagonism between abdominal (belly) and thoracic (upper chest) respiratory muscles; complete cessation of breathing, and interrupting exhalation with inhalation.</li></ul><ul><li> Disordered vocal folds, including high levels of muscle activity or muscle tension; poor laryngeal too late or holding tension too long; and poor coordination of laryngeal muscles, e.g., incompatible contractions of opposing muscles.</li></ul><ul><li> Disordered articulation, including dysfunctions of the lips, jaw, and tongue in stuttering.</li></ul><br /></blockquote>I just describe it as a pressure in my chest that won´t let me say what I want to say at the right time. It is just frustrating because you cannot go on. Now, this of course not happens when you have the correct "air flow" going in and out. For example when we sing we never stutter. But what about when we speck to ourselves? We don´t either because there is no muscle tension going on. Hmmm... for these reasons many call it a social disorder because of external factors involved. It may seem simple then to try to point put the solution. CALM DOWN AND TALK SLOWLY! How many times have I tried and it does helpo but also you sound like a retard at times. However in social spotlights it does not work. It is like there are bricks on top of you.<br /><br />This is where I noticed "my" powers. I started scanning what I was going to say and choose the stutterless words. If the stuttering words <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-6jQc0TTDtNkGIYGIhu6i9H7fDyK0kt5K7UgvTAFAHNEZuuqJ6j397ANRSK-m8w6mz9b8dUh9OC2zDOECSUYK2st3wL7VC7FSjzuTLGr4cZuuqSG8EIDJw99fF5yYe4t7DGcwfgNMFw55/s1600-h/hero.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 284px; height: 284px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-6jQc0TTDtNkGIYGIhu6i9H7fDyK0kt5K7UgvTAFAHNEZuuqJ6j397ANRSK-m8w6mz9b8dUh9OC2zDOECSUYK2st3wL7VC7FSjzuTLGr4cZuuqSG8EIDJw99fF5yYe4t7DGcwfgNMFw55/s320/hero.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5293799204296478146" border="0" /></a>were completely necessary I would choose for a synonym. If not I would simply shut up, change the subject of the conversation, say I don't know or just simply... ummm.. SssSSS--TtttttTT-eeeeRR. Wow I said. And I was good at it. I then knew it! I WAS SCANMAN!!!<br /><br />This happens so fast. It is just at most 3 seconds (with practice). Our brains don´t even want to say what we think or feel but what we can say at that right moment. Say you wanted a cookie but you scanned the sentence before and detected cookie sending a rush of fear that there is a 75.8% chance of stuttering on it. Then you see the table. Ok, what else can I ask for. Time is running up damn it! Shit, there is also a slice of chocolate cake but the "k" sound is in cake and today I feel really stuttery with the "k" sound. Then you see it. Oh yeah. Scanman has done it again. "May I have just plain water?" "Oh", they reply. "Don't you want something to eat?" " No, sir (I scanned thanks and replaced it with sir in 0.876 seconds and gee it sounded too formal but what the hell) "I am on a diet". A diet, I thought to myself. I haven't been on a diet for like... oh ... NEVER. But Scanman pulled it out one more time. He is not always versatile with word selections but he gets the work done.<br /><br />This is interesting though. I mean think about it. We scan to catch stuttery words but there is no rigid pattern. I mean of course, sounds n, p, k, s, b, and a are among my top feared ones but there are days when the n sound cleared by the scanning process. What I am getting to is that if I am tensed I should stutter in the same sounds. Also, when I am relaxed I should stutter less. The truth is sometimes I am really relaxed and stutter like crazy.<br /><br />Fortunately, I am Scanman. Many people wish to see him defeated though. "Just stutter". Maybe they are right but when you are a superhero with these super powers that you can use to not be the ridicule of a social gathering, one just can't contain such power. Many times I have thrown off the costume but I am Scanman and I need myself. So you might not know who I am, or what I am up to because my labor is in silence but where stuttering and stammering hides, where muscle tensions happen, or where social gatherings occur, Scanman is there to save the day.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-55551627962145132762009-01-18T15:57:00.000-08:002009-01-18T16:54:35.462-08:00Accepting my stuttering / stammeringNow this is interesting. Almost everyone agrees that the best way to reduce or live with one's stutter is by accepting it. This means to accept the fact that you are not able to express yourself in the right time and with the right words. Well, I can accept it. That is not that hard. But am I accepted?<br /><br />We all seek to be accepted, to be part of a group or team. We hunger to blend with others. If this does not happen then we are affected no matter how strong we are. Some people say they don't care (I was one). That is just something we say to make others not pity you or to make us look strong and content. The truth is it hurts to be outside the circle.<br /><br />Stutterers are victims of stereotypes. We are seen as, slow, anxious, nervous, insecure, dumb people among other qualifiers. What this means is that we are messed up. People think that we can actually not stutter if we concentrate or speak slow. They say we cannot control the stress and that we are weak. Some may be true but I know a lot of people that have some of these qualities and do not stutter. In fact, who does not have one of the mentioned problems but hey, only 1% of people stutter.<br /><br />So stutters know the truth. We can have a high self esteem and accept reality. However this is not the root of our pain. It is what others think. And do not bring the bullshit that it does not matter because it does. You mean, stuttering at your in-law's at the table while others mumble making the woman that you love blush and stare down won't affect you. To try to defend your wife from others that are being offensive and start rattling and giving them the power to pulverize your ego while your wife expects some <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfYkCPVRL5CIT78O8N6vPBTdPyfYa40g35jE-VUrUrzaa2T21Li0mwjJjBVdWSFfr9IIrYbz83sxAkPMHzbqVzPS-k_GE6yIgYx-_B3dJ9ymIs6GyjS7IPLmuU1daRx_GBVbmdyjHgDnhM/s1600-h/dolor.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 246px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfYkCPVRL5CIT78O8N6vPBTdPyfYa40g35jE-VUrUrzaa2T21Li0mwjJjBVdWSFfr9IIrYbz83sxAkPMHzbqVzPS-k_GE6yIgYx-_B3dJ9ymIs6GyjS7IPLmuU1daRx_GBVbmdyjHgDnhM/s320/dolor.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5292801681232671234" border="0" /></a>protection and security. Hold on, you are saying that not being able to argue and to ask for things that you do not want just because they are easily to spell out. THIS AFFECTS YOU AND WILL ALWAYS DO. You may control it, learn ways to cope with the pain but I cannot see myself in a future saying "I do not care, That is me" In fact I do not want this. I want to care because I love my wife, and love ones. So when people tell me to accept my stuttering they do not see the whole picture. I accept it but am not accepted. I ease the pain but the pain that I indirectly produce in the ones I care hurts me as well.<br /><br />I know what I bring to a social group. Stutterers bring tension, guilt, pity. It is inevitable. How do I know? Because I feel that when I meet a stutterer. I just want him to shut up or to not even try to speak. When he stutters I go through the whole pain. If I stutter I get looks and people do not want to talk to me that much and there is nothing I can do. YEAH YEAH, bring me the same BS that we know better, because they are ignorant. Well excuse me but when ignorance is a mainstream having the reason does not do anything for me. When I hear the top scholars and scientists stating that they know little about how to cure stuttering I feel ignorance everywhere.<br /><br />Having a stutter is horrible because people are not sympathetic. If you see a blind person you do not see people laughing at him "Hey What color is my shirt?" You do not see this because it is cruel. Imagine making fun of a cripple for not being able to go to a PE class. People understand their pain even though they cay see and run, however they do not understand a stutterer.<br /><br />So whenever I hear someone telling me to accept my stutterer I just want to punch them. "I AM A STUTTERER AND I ACCEPT IT. There you go pal. Now please get out of my face will ya?" There are many things that only stutterers will get so if you can speak fluently give thanks to God. I give thanks to God for me legs and my life and even though I am a stutterer I know I have many good things in my life.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-91018267249455872712009-01-18T07:23:00.000-08:002009-01-18T08:03:15.932-08:00Reasons I stopped taking antidepressants for my stutteringI remember stepping into the psychiatrist's office with so much hope. I felt so close to finding a cure. It was exiting and scary. My name was called and I had a little rush. This is it. Behind the door I will get help. I greeted the doc and sat down. She made a bunch of questions and pretty much wrote down obvious things. Then it came. I told her I stuttered. I am not used to this because I hide it all the time. She looked at me and I was awaiting her answer impatiently. Her answer was so dull and pathetic that I just felt nauseous because of my deception. She said "Well, just talk slower" WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I did not even argue with her because obviously she was useless in the subject. Dang! I felt like walking away right there and go back to the old drawing board. But I went through the ride.<br /><br />I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. She gave me prozac and klonopin. I kindly said thanks while in my head I through a swing at her smile. Oh well, at least I have the drugs. It might still be the answer. I took them out and looked at them and kinda whispered to them. "Ok boys, do your job". I started taking it and nothing. No change at all. The klonopin did make me feel drowsy and calm but it made me sleep. I mean it worked. It avoided my stutter because it made me sleep (lol). I remember going to a social gathering better known to us stutterers as a torture session. Before going I took a 2mg klonopin and 30 minutes into a conversation I was dead asleep. My wife had to excuse me and our friends took pictures. It was embarrassing.<br /><br />In my third month I was feeling fooled. Prozac wasn´t working and I was feeling like a guinea pig test. Then I watched this video in youtube that I want to share. Here it is:<br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/hfQUTHrWnRk&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/hfQUTHrWnRk&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br />I was having one sensation that I couldn't very well describe - until i watched this video. It was the electricity "shock" coming from the back of my head and going down like a rush.It was not at all like the ones described in the video. However I started to look into the antidepressants more. Really the difference between the placebo and that of the antidepressants effect from that of main antidepressants isn't that high. This means that a lot of people who took a void pill did in many time as well than that of taking a real antidepressant. Then I looked at my situation. I was starting to put a drug in brain which is altering my system because of my stuttering which was not even considered by my psychiatrist? I don't want to say that this doesn't work for everyone but it wasn't doing anything for me. There absolutely no difference from talking and not taking it. There are so many gray sections when using antidepressants. What I saw is just a huge amount of companies starving for money. Why take pills that have so many cons and that state that it might not work. How risky! If they are not sure it will work for "you" it means they don't fully comprehend how it works in your body. So then I will put it in my brain and see what it does? Suppose it makes me more anxious or pushed to suicidal thoughts (which they say in their bottles). They will not take any blame for it. They are protected by their laws. I just am not ready to keep being a guinea pig and to blend drugs with my brain. If you are taking antidepressants and it works great. However I see so many hungry vultures that starved for a load of cash. In this video it made me feel used. I fell in the system. Just to be clear. I am not saying I will ever take an antidepressant but I won't take one unless I see all the facts clear in front of me.<br /><br />Anxiety disorder huh? Well, don't all stutters have this innate in us? Who doesn't get anxious before speaking. And we human speak all the time. At any rate, looking at the withdrawal symptoms of the antidepressants and analyzing carefully my situation I quit Prozac with fortunately minimal (close to 0) withdrawal symptoms. I still keep some klonopin pills for emergencies.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-22222043782466110392009-01-14T09:03:00.000-08:002009-01-18T08:04:58.535-08:00I am back - UPDATESIt has been so long. I kinda avoided posting here. I think because I was just so hurt for all the things I have been through (mainly because of my mother's illness and of course my stuttering). But I am back for now trying to share my stories.<br /><br />It was at the beginning of year in early January 2008 when I got the phone call. It was mom and she sounded sad. I knew something was wrong and then she said it. Man words can hurt. "I have cancer". I just dropped to the floor and wanted to be with her but due to the immigration paperwork mess up I could not reenter the States.<br /><br />My mother is just plain and simply inspirational. She is so brave and strong and has such tremendous faith in God. It was a tough year and she has been through roughly 6 to 8 chemotherapy sessions. She finally beat leukemia although some say the fight is never over but she has been in remission for nearly 7 months and in her lasts tests she was clean.<br /><br />Needless to say this has affected me. I went through so much and my stuttering / stammering has gotten worse. I stopped taking Prozac and klonopin (although I have klonopin pills for emergency social gatherings if you know what I mean - I will write a post talking about why I left prozac) I think that wasn't the answer for me. What is the answer? I still don't have a clue. I have been on this ride which I try to understand. I try to figure out patterns, events that might trigger my stutter over the limits. Some weeks I just can't stand myself. I avoid any social gatherings but it depresses me. I want to socialize so much but it is just pathetic.<br /><br />As of this month so far (January 2009), in a scale of 1 - 10 (10 being my highest stutterer episode) I would say I am in a 4 in public and in a 8 when I want to argue with my wife! LEt my clarify that most people still do not notice my stutterness. I keep on blocking. I have like a red emergency button that I push on when I see a stutering rampage comming. I just hit it and go mute. It is so frustating but it is a temporary answer although it isn't what I want.<br /><br />So, I will keep on sharing with my fellow stutters and others my stories. Take care and thanks for dropping by.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-81998201595612549562008-08-10T06:18:00.000-07:002009-01-14T09:03:00.538-08:00Second visit to the psychiatrist about my stuttering / stammeringI have been very busy and trying to organize my life more. Stuttering has not stopped, maybe it never will, or maybe that is just me. However my anxiety has reduced at times when taking klonopin (clonozepam) and that helped my stutterness if you will. Still my questions are without answers and my quest is not close to ending.<br /><br />So after being in the waiting room with some "special" people around me I was thinking about getting the hell out of there. Then a guy who lives close to my house to whom I never engage a conversation with came into the same waiting room. Holy shit, I thought, what are the chances? Oh well, let him think whatever he wants I insisted. Besides he is here too right? He must have some problems as well? Wrong, his mother had them and quite more severe than other patients.<br /><br />Crap, ok ok, it is normal to go to the psychiatrist nowadays, isn't it? So I just kept reading my newspaper and watching with pain this little girl swinging her head back and forth and it really got to me. I made a short prayer for her because she wouldn't stop and her mother was right there reading a newspaper too. But I always over anaylize things. I thought, if she is this normal it means it is something that the little girl has had for a long time, then I thought about what the little girl felt, her future, her dreams. I got saddened and again thought, what am I doing here? Then is when I thought, gee stuttering sucks but there are other things that suck more. Then I looked and her again and she stopped swinging and looked at me straight in the eyes. I was paralized and went back to my "reading" yet as soon as I did she went back to the swinging. Weird I thought. Then I looked at her again and same thing happened only that she made faces to me. Ok that freaked me out a bit. Maybe she read my mind or maybe she was an angel and was giving me a message of some sort. Third time just to see if it was in my head but again she looked at me. But then I wasn't scared, I just saw that she was telling me something in the only way she could. I don't know exactly what she wanted to say but I guess she wanted to let me know that she was aware of things and that she had "feelings". I then smiled at her and then she kept swinging.<br /><br />Man, and I complain when people stereotype me when I just did it to her. Not in a cruel way at any point but I was just judging many things to what "normality" is. So even before I got in to my appointment I learned something. Stuttering is not that bad unless people start judging me. Stuttering is horrible when people label me. So I looked at all the people in the room again and thought I was not in the wrong spot. That we weren't freaks, we were just unique and "special".<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhP4ZWI6IE0l5T7pHRfXHSXg-8qumnYXV6dDk9CkXsoI0d88YHenLKIgojiGMNDk-RMsFZGTz1B0CpeeSK7ECzC9c6vIAozRGBOt7t5SO8cMam7XCHfEeA023J6txYACGH1Henwa2u50yZj/s1600-h/prozac.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhP4ZWI6IE0l5T7pHRfXHSXg-8qumnYXV6dDk9CkXsoI0d88YHenLKIgojiGMNDk-RMsFZGTz1B0CpeeSK7ECzC9c6vIAozRGBOt7t5SO8cMam7XCHfEeA023J6txYACGH1Henwa2u50yZj/s320/prozac.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5232886496187020786" border="0" /></a><br />Then I heard my name and I went in into the office. It was very quick and she just pretty much gave me another order of the same pills. Umm... I don't know. Maybe there is something wrong with this system. Maybe I need to pay more to get a better psychiatrist. I mean I had a better session outside in the waiting room with my fellows. Oh well, I will keep on with the prozak and clonazepam and see what happens and went out.<br /><br />My stuttering depends on my days you know. Sometimes I feel well and relaxed but others I feel suppressed, anxious and tired like breathing wise. I haven't yet felt the direct influence of Prozac. I am not sure if I should continue with it. Klonopin has a direct relation though but I skip pills because I feel some days I don't need it. I am just scared of overdoing drugs. I guess in general I have improved but I still stutter. At least my anxiety has gone down. Also, mom and dad call me and now I can tell them about my stuttering and it is a very open subject and not something that I am trying to hide. That really helps and I stutter less with them. I guess this might be a beginning although at times I feel there is no hope but life comes only once so I will keep my head up and fight the fight.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-54533026329867147552008-06-09T18:41:00.000-07:002009-06-29T08:59:59.445-07:00Psychiatrist visit for my stuttering, family and GodSo finally the day came to visit the psychiatrist. I had to go through the medical insurance in Peru which is way awful but that is the price to get free medicine. First I went and the doc didn't even show up and they moved our appointment. Then it seemed that she wasn't going to arrive but fortunately she did.<br /><br />As far as our 1 to 1 conversation it was short. Mainly I just said I was having anxiety attacks in social settings, that I was more isolated than ever before and that my stuttering started at age 20 and I did not know why that happened. Also, lately I was stuttering way more and that is what was putting me down so much. Well she took notes and all but little feedback really. I told her about my rough moments and what I thought triggeredd the stuttering. I told her that I got anxious because of my stuttering but maybe my stuttering was the cause for my anxiety. At the end she gave my Prozac and Klonipin. I do have depression so I think this will help. Also klonopin helps with the anxiety but it makes me feel weird like "tipsy" which is kinda cool (hehehe).<br /><br />This is as far as my medicine approach to my troubles. I know it is not all. I did something I have never done before. I called my dad and told him I was a stutterer and that it was ruining my life. I cried and opened up and he was kinda shocked because he did not know it affected me this much. In fact he said I did not stutter that much. I felt so good after telling him because I was alone in this situation with my wife and now my parents are on my side too. It was tough because it is not easy to say "I am a stuterer" but the fact is that I know they will help me a lot.<br /><br />So, medicine and family openness is checked but there was one more important issue to deal with. Praying had become so difficult for me and my faith became so weak that I put God in the back seat. I am closer to Him than before and am able to pray again so it is good to feel his presence close again.<br /><br />Results? Well, I am stuttering less, I don't know if it is the medicine, the family unity, or my new commitment to be a better spiritual person. I sure know I am not cured but I feel better and I think these 3 issues have really helped me. Thanks to all of those who sent me messages to my email or by comments. STUTTERERS RULE!!!!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-82472426407290604172008-05-12T20:27:00.000-07:002008-05-12T20:43:51.250-07:00It is getting worseAs I am writing this post my tears are coming out. I am losing the battle not only with stuttering but with other things. I am not myself anymore and I am reaching my limit. I can't seem to hold a fluent conversation anymore and I think I am starting to suffer from anxiety disorder. I have lost my true identity somewhere in the middle of all this mess and am starting to isolate myself more and more. Stuttering is affecting me so much that it is starting to hurt me. It is not the stutter itself but all the it brings with it. I feel dumb, slow, and at times worthless. What is happening to me? Whenever I am with people I get locked. Frustration has grown to a point that I can feel it in my muscles. I wander and all I see is fluent people that carry on with their lives while I have to submit to the command of what I am allowed to say by this curse. I have taken the path of silence and avoidance waiting for a good time to talk but that time never comes. The worse thing is that even when I find some few words to say they do not sound so smart.<br /><br />God, I know I am not being a good son now but I need some help. Just guide me to a treatment or to someone who can help me. Mom always told me that the answer was in you but it is tough to have faith these days. Not even seeing how her faith was so strong that she is beating cancer has sensibilized my spiritual side.<br /><br />I do not know where the problem rests anymore. Before it was parties, meetings and social gatherings but now I feel anxious even taking the bus. At work I feel tired and my heart is beating more than it should. I say right when I want to say left and I am slow. I am unhappy and have a terrible mood which makes my wife unhappy. I have seen the symptoms of anxiety disorder and I have almost all of them. I will be seeking some pro help (although I said this before and just continued with life escaping from it). Sometimes I think I have empowered my stuttering and that I have made it worse. Life is tough and right now I am weak and tired but I hope I will come back from it.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-58631963872118905982008-04-21T05:25:00.000-07:002008-04-21T06:06:31.178-07:00Slowing down to reduce stuttering"Just relax man", "Calm down and start again", "Slow down dude" are just some things that we stutterers are told when we had a stutter moment. But is there any truth in this? Would this really help? A few days ago I was surfing the web and came across suggestions about relaxing before you think you would stutter. There are even breathing techniques that says that these work all the time if done properly. I was convinced and starting meditating on the issues that might trigger my stuttering side.<br /><br />Having acquired this problem around my 20's I saw that stuttering fitted like a glove in my life. See, I am a quite anxious guy. Every task I am given I just want to finish it as quickly as possible. It does not have to be a complicated task but just common ones will do. For instance, if I am eating I eat fast and just want to wolf down the whole dish. I do not talk much or pause but just concentrate on the goal of eating. When blogging, if I do not get what I want from a design or if there is an error on my page, I begin to get anxious and I have to find the answer right in that moment and if not I get anxious to the point that it affects me. I could go on with many things I do at a fast pace like if it were a competition. So then stuttering just found a good host in me.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIlzn14QRU2LhnE9pHqIN4dY72BFcdk6iO9ZPlGnvYjgUot-QiFlct4MowYcd0Ufj_N4DI4RbddcV5R-jFv1MQL8VI7FBVJX86skTD7xGc4wE0SfbbutRiTBk12l-oCRh5SpQRxYOzcu5C/s1600-h/slow_down.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 204px; height: 308px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIlzn14QRU2LhnE9pHqIN4dY72BFcdk6iO9ZPlGnvYjgUot-QiFlct4MowYcd0Ufj_N4DI4RbddcV5R-jFv1MQL8VI7FBVJX86skTD7xGc4wE0SfbbutRiTBk12l-oCRh5SpQRxYOzcu5C/s320/slow_down.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5191682616054353042" border="0" /></a><br />I heard that when we stutter we just have so many things to say and think just too fast that our mind goes faster than our articulation. I talked to my wife about it and shared my findings. Since then (last week) I have started to slow down on speaking. I have to concentrate because it is so difficult. Fluency is not pausing but I have to according to my conclusions and research. Well, it helped. I went shopping with my wife and spoke slower pausing and taking my time and the stuttering had reduced. Implementing this into my life will take time. There are no easy ways and I feel that I have to slow down not only in speaking but in many things in life. I do not have to portray things as challenges all the time. I have to enjoy sharing with others while eating and if I have problems in my web pages I should try fixing it with time and if not just be patient about it. Maybe then I will see a bigger change as a whole because stuttering takes in so many variables that it is puzzling.<br /><br />Has slowing down reduced my stuttering? The answer is yes and no. Yes because of the points mentioned above but yesterday I woke up early and went upstairs and got into a conversation with my mother in law about my plans for the future. All of a sudden I felt I was in the stuttering mode and said to myself "Here is your chance to implement my strategy" One of the breathing technique says that you should relax and breathe normal and you should say only the first syllable while exhaling and then breathing again and deliver the rest. So for instance "hi my name is Joe" should be: Breathe, exhale saying "Hi" then breathe again and say "my name is Joe exhaling". I had my big change there but I could not say the first syllable. I took a big breath but nothing. I was just in one of those days and just went down to avoiding and keeping silence which really puts me down. But, what happened? I don't know. Anyway, I think it is start and will continue to see if slowing down will help. The problem is I tend to forget about it and just talk naturally which is fast and get out of line with my plan. I should also have to look into the breathing technique more and see what I am doing wrong. At any rate, slowing down seems logical and something that can help my stuttering and other issues in my life as well.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-57192279665552463322008-04-09T14:58:00.001-07:002008-04-21T06:07:45.462-07:00Role playing and stutteringIt's been a while since I last posted that I probably lost my few readers. I have been busy with work and my other 8 blogs. This is the only one which I write personal stuff so I enjoy it and have missed posting in here. Last week my wife was around and even left a message. She had not read the blog before and took a quick glance at it and now she probably will become another reader.<br /><br />Now to the subject in matter, last month I got a comment from Jillian where she kinda helped me out figure why I did not stutter that much when teaching in contrast to having typical casual conversations.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiq5K1hik5MnhS_ErFPxVW31ZSOk7XhIrPO4dOaKt4-N_TLRSky1GUNhix_3zM50YR0SV2lyKODUpWqzNRquaodVVS9TDXkXR4ZrROL7M9z97wPBi9K73Nsx9r-jb-BdXG7JhQ1ul6aXBC4/s1600-h/two-face.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 192px; height: 227px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiq5K1hik5MnhS_ErFPxVW31ZSOk7XhIrPO4dOaKt4-N_TLRSky1GUNhix_3zM50YR0SV2lyKODUpWqzNRquaodVVS9TDXkXR4ZrROL7M9z97wPBi9K73Nsx9r-jb-BdXG7JhQ1ul6aXBC4/s320/two-face.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5187382762094300802" border="0" /></a> <blockquote style="font-style: italic;">I read in a pamphlet from the "Stuttering Foundation of America" that people who stutter rarely do it when acting or singing. Perhaps when you teach, you see yourself as being "in character" and you're able to "perform" and not stutter.<br /><br />I went to a Performing Arts school as a kid. In the plays and musicals... as long as I was "in character" I NEVER had a problem. As soon as I was back to being me, I stuttered like crazy.</blockquote>Stuttering can't be more confusing than it is. I mean, in addition to having to live with verbal communication deprivation some, like me, do not have a clue on why I got it, how it works. Searching answers just opens more questions and I feel that my quest is one with no happy ending. I have argued with fellow stutters on many topics regarding stuttering from which many state that they have all the answers. First, I really feel I have acquired it from another person and the post to that story <a href="http://stutterstories.blogspot.com/2007/12/how-it-all-started.html">is here (click me)</a>. I know, it is not in any book probably but I was stutter free years ago. Oh yeah, then they tell me that I was always a stutterer but I had to trigger it. Maybe, but why is my wife now stuttering more and more? Any answers there?<br /><br />Going back to Jillian's argument, when I read it it made perfect sense. Just take a minute and see me in "action" if you will.<br />The setting is a business lobby where three well-suited and groomed professionals await their English instructor to whom their respectable company has entrusted their education in the English language. I, less groomed but still prepared for the encounter, arrive on top of the hour with my suitcase and my markers. The tension elevates and I become a bit nervous. We finally gather with opening shy looks and scanning each other. Then something takes over me like if I were possessed at the moment. I am in charge. I am the boss in there. My experience and knowledge give me the "power". Such power strengthens me and my self confidence overflows. My tongue gets lose, my muscles relax and even my mood and personality seem refined. The result is evident: I don't stutter.<br /><br />HEALED!!! I think to myself. Finally I achieved my so desired goal, I insist. However later that day, I get home and begin to talk to the family and fall into the stutter swamp. WHY? How can I come to understand such paradox? Isn't a stutterer suppose to fall into the blocking and rattling when confronted with anxiety and specific social nerve cracking situations? WHY am I so useless in comunicating in such trival and so common, daily, everyday conversations?<br /><br />Then it came to me when reading the stated comment, ROLE PLAYING!!!! See, who teaches is not fully "me". It is a character, the teacher. I am not exposed to hurting looks because I do not know these people. And even if they encounter one of my stutter words, I am bothered by it because my goal there is one; to help them learn English. How ironic !!! I am there to teach them how to communicate. In addition, I am not an average teacher, I am one of the best in the company. I have never received a complaint and my bosses always praise me. Students have a ball in my class and my interaction with them is superb. You would not notice I was a stutterer in my class. In fact, in one class the word "stutterer" came into discussion and I felt I was unmasked but they started talking about how it affected other people. I so wanted to tell them HEY, I AM HERE!!! but I couldn't do that because then I would lose the role playing character and I would probably stutter.<br /><br />The other day I talked to a stutter fellow and he said he also did not stutter when he imitated Elvis Presley. Another said he wouldn't rattle when speaking in a different accent. Maybe you are one of those stutterers. At any rate, the question would be, how do I use this information to improve my communication in my daily language?<blockquote></blockquote>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-55820688471751454912008-03-10T14:57:00.001-07:002008-03-17T10:28:24.680-07:00My first year wedding anniversarySo it has been one full year since I started sharing my life wife a marvelous woman. Many things have happened this year so it has been a roller coaster ride. I was not supposed to be stuck here in South America for one thing. I should be in the States studying for a Master's and getting a job as a financial adviser getting the big bucks. It was a shocker to change my plans so dramatically. I live with my in-laws, so typically Latin Americanish, work for as an ESL (English as a second language) company, and earn a very modest pay check.<br /><div><br />But I married the woman of my dreams and I am<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHxXwkJPkXeQIdfDUaKVrhHIyLBJEdYIse1Bhy4mNPoFwGYKbWnAujuHhYa8W3_TAllhOWroo1qj1kR_1QMhMkg8OXxHWgR_A462KK4zEsAwYpMLaHtSujo75LytCqDzMxPjMQw14Vs9or/s1600-h/anniversary.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 266px; height: 264px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHxXwkJPkXeQIdfDUaKVrhHIyLBJEdYIse1Bhy4mNPoFwGYKbWnAujuHhYa8W3_TAllhOWroo1qj1kR_1QMhMkg8OXxHWgR_A462KK4zEsAwYpMLaHtSujo75LytCqDzMxPjMQw14Vs9or/s320/anniversary.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5178763345385043634" border="0" /></a> ok with it. Yes, just ok because I have greater plans although I feel I am stuck in time for now. Life in South America can be very fun and exiting but also you gotta work double to earn some respectable cash. This year has also been extremely tough for me since my mom got cancer. Fortunately, she is finally in remission. This means that she does not have cancer but this could come back so she has to monitor herself regularly. </div><div> </div><br /><div>So what is it like to be married when you stutter? Well, my wife or doesn't care, doesn't realize it, or simply ignores it. It is funny how we stutterers suppose the other person knows exactly when we block or get frustrated but many times they don't know. I don't know about you guys but I tend to get moody and irritated when I have a bad day communicating. The frustration builds and my wife suffers the consequences of it. That is one thing I really got to work on but stuttering at times gets the best from me. In addition, I get very anxious lately and this builds up more stuttering. My stuttering is at times a measuring stick of how relaxed or stressed I am. Lately I have been stuttering much more and therefore I haven't been treating my wife like I am not supposed to. It sucks you know. I mean, I am not like this, a mean guy, but I get so sad at times because I just can't be myself and then I get so angry. Stuttering makes the simplest things in life a living hell. Seriously, think about it. Two simple examples:<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><ul><li><span style="font-style: italic;">Going to the shopping or supermarket and asking for prices or help.</span>For some reason asking other people for help is so tough for me. So this simple, thing can really make me anxious. Last week we were shopping for a LCD tv and I asked this guy about the Samsung's features and what were the differences with the Sony one. Well, I started speaking and suddenly I got stuck on a word and I felt like a complete ass. I know, I know, I should just not care but I hate when it happens. I just lost all will of asking for other TV's and things like this make me moody and may ruin my day,<br /></li></ul></div><ul><li>Arguing. This is just plain pathetic at times. When you argue you get emotional and the stuttering gets worse. An argument does not necessarily mean a fight right? Yeah, but when you block and see that the other person lays his plead and is winning because you can't state yours then you just want to hit that person (not you my wife). You are there, in silence, receiving the attack and you do not do anything. What is the purpose of an argument if you can't speak? Is there a way out? So this brings forth anger, more frustration, and you just give up and declare winner to the opponent by default.</li></ul></div><div> </div>Above all is my love for her. She is so sweet and nice that I feel so bad for succumbing in my own problems. I have to change and got to learn to control my frustration. I cannot continue to let stuttering beat me though it hits me strong at times. I don't know if my wife reads my blog but if you do read it honey I love you so much and I am trying hard to being a better husband. What's my next step? Well, I want to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist and see what he thinks about starting taking some pills. I think I need some help controlling my anxiety about not being able to express myself. I think I set myself up to stutter more than I should because I am to hard on myself. At any rate, I have to start by going to a specialist to start off which is hard for me to do because of some type of pride or ignorance about getting professional help. Let's see if I can gather strength and do it this week.<br /><div> </div><br /><div> </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-34206429670686651482008-03-05T08:22:00.000-08:002008-03-05T08:32:35.659-08:00Does Pagoclone or other antidepressants reduce stuttering?I am convinced that antidepressants are a great option to reduce stuttering. I am planning to go to a psychiatrist and start treatment. The reasons for not doing it before was because of time, money and well, going to the psychiatrist is not something to brag about. This following report was form last year but it talks about Pagoclone, an antidepressant, which reduces the the dopamine which produces stuttering. Here is the clip.<br /><br /><object height="355" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/tEitDTX2ZAo"><param name="wmode" value="transparent"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/tEitDTX2ZAo" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" height="355" width="425"></embed></object><br />I just realized that my insurance can cover it so let's see if I can get a good treatment here in South America. Some psychiatrist don't know much about stuttering and some are extremely ignorant so I hope I get one that has done some research. Have any of you succeeded with any kind of antidepressant or with Pagoclone? or maybe you think this is not the best option. In any case, I would like to here from some real life experiencesUnknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-35268122265657842962008-02-18T08:48:00.000-08:002008-03-04T21:14:28.792-08:00Has stuttering changed your personality?<div>The way one communicates dictates, many times, how others see you. Most of us can evaluate<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuosC-MqxsuYzvBTqNzwvk6SKQRSVLHdPjXg0-CdQfLJbpfwwntxgnSUEy9QLey0xjVf8ZIxZDI1UcuguE3AG5MB1BLm4cMUh1FgGJkUDWlADxf_QAQ297ru5zC0BEJ9ErP9sHdCS7cp3G/s1600-h/confundido.JPG"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 117px; height: 119px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuosC-MqxsuYzvBTqNzwvk6SKQRSVLHdPjXg0-CdQfLJbpfwwntxgnSUEy9QLey0xjVf8ZIxZDI1UcuguE3AG5MB1BLm4cMUh1FgGJkUDWlADxf_QAQ297ru5zC0BEJ9ErP9sHdCS7cp3G/s200/confundido.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5169150647512075682" border="0" /></a> another person by how he/she talks, moves, acts etc. So then, what if you are an extrovert, outgoing or talkative person but a stutterer? Does being a stutterer change who you really are? Does that change how others see you?</div><br />Having started stuttering at age 19 or 20 really gives me a better insight on how it can change the way one is. I Well, has it really changed me? Yes but no. What I mean is that I am the same person but repressed and convicted to blocking my real self to the world. So, it has changed my personality to the others. People see a timid person, the perfect listener, someone who agrees with mostly everything, a shy sometimes social evader wonderer therefore a person who, in my case, is not me. I could accept this if it were true but deep inside I have not changed. In conversations and discussions I want to intervene and lay out my points stating the reasons for my discrepancy of a given issue. I would like to talk, make jokes, share my pain, give advice without having to block, substitute or say something which is not what I want.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinYSsaZfX8ooVYx47whpOvyIIT6fyxsNhbF79BkO2KxbM1z1zFc-1LLuPpYwiqcnFNrS1EpxtzxixfvuS7XC4AjW2EbWIzfBqj2R1A5KIDrsOnIyI0tQLoaGulIPrUA1-5Ro_433CJ40b8/s1600-h/despairs_meal.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinYSsaZfX8ooVYx47whpOvyIIT6fyxsNhbF79BkO2KxbM1z1zFc-1LLuPpYwiqcnFNrS1EpxtzxixfvuS7XC4AjW2EbWIzfBqj2R1A5KIDrsOnIyI0tQLoaGulIPrUA1-5Ro_433CJ40b8/s400/despairs_meal.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5169149981792144786" border="0" /></a><br />Sometimes I am having a conversation and I imagine another one happening parallel to it. I imagine one where I actually say what I want to say. My typical conversations are one way where I come in with a "yeah" , "sure", "I know" etc. It is so frustrating and so sad because it hides who I am and portrays a dull, cheap version of myself. At times I just sigh and nod but deep inside it is like I accept the defeat. I wear out and give in to stuttering. Is it taking the best out of me? Is it taking control? Am I being too proud? Why not just stutter and let it out?<br /><br />I think stuttering actually would make me feel worse than saying what I want to say, at the right time and therefore I retrieve from the confrontation. Ignorance hurts because others see you as a person with some type of problem. I really do not like to point out I am a stutterer to people that would not get it. I don't care telling some friends but only to smart ones who care about others. So why expose myself? I might be wrong. Maybe I should be doing the opposite like I have read elsewhere but for now I feel ok with it.<br /><br />What do you guys think? Has it changed who you really are? Is stuttering keeping you from something?<br /><br />Thanks for your comments and your participation.<br /><div> </div><a href="http://www.stumbleupon.com/submit?url=http://www.yoursite.com/article.php&title=The+Article+Title"> <img border=0 src=http://www.stumbleupon.com/images/icon_su.gif alt="StumbleUpon Toolbar"> Stumble It!</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-26508079921203967722008-02-09T15:32:00.000-08:002008-02-09T16:04:21.960-08:00Cusco's exotic cousineI remember as a child my father used to bug me a lot because I had a pet guinea pig. I really cared for the furry little fellow and always got pissed off and called mom to back me up. What I did not know was that my father was not joking when he said my guinea pig would make a great dish. In my last trip to Cusco Peru, which I will talk about more in other posts, I wanted to try guinea pig. I love Peruvian food but this would be a challenge. I also do not mind going to cheap markets where you get a real good price so I told my wife we could go to a fancy restaurant later. I was not sure about trying this dish because it is kind of scary looking. It is pretty much like eating a rat only that its meat is supposed to be real soft and tasty.<br /><br />Off I went until I came across a very particular and quite attention grabber image that I would like to share.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM5II9dUodftyodbOAsKWbMKeP5kvpMERw0GGpXWqND0A1qfa8qIGllDD4hnLHnk8WgGw2LAqcuMP6xqHXS65YE1D9695SfQHZYc6msygFE0S2-t01BrDE-7viOvhP5A1Iy-eV5kKtL-N2/s1600-h/100_0959.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 441px; height: 292px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM5II9dUodftyodbOAsKWbMKeP5kvpMERw0GGpXWqND0A1qfa8qIGllDD4hnLHnk8WgGw2LAqcuMP6xqHXS65YE1D9695SfQHZYc6msygFE0S2-t01BrDE-7viOvhP5A1Iy-eV5kKtL-N2/s400/100_0959.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5165131107878833298" border="0" /></a><br />My wife said, 'Why are you taking a picture of it?' - 'Well, it is for my blog', I said. - 'Blog, I thought it was a stuttering blog' - 'Well but this has to be seen and you never know, maybe eating guinea pig may cure stuttering so I want to document it'<br /><br />Actually the picture is great and kinda cute. I did not notice the details until I saw it on my laptop. The main caracter, the one with the small "rocoto" (hot Peruvian chili), is on top of another guinea pig (That rocoto detail really uplifts the picture to another level). That guinea pig is lying on top of another one and you could see its toes. Then the other interesting issue is that these guys are on top of fried chicken as if they were the king meat or something.<br /><br />This guinea pig was deep fried and well, did I eat it? Hell yeah. The meat is soft like that of a rabbit and has a good taste. The only problems are its thick outer skin and its small bones. Before you even start saying how awful and terrible remember we now and then have a BigMac or nuggets that God knows what are in them. These guinea pigs aren't pets here. They are grown and fed just like chicken. So, did it cure my stuttering? I am sorry to inform you guys that it has been 2 months and I see no positive effect.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-53778823083624781212008-02-02T03:58:00.000-08:002008-02-06T06:07:13.341-08:00I am so confused about my stutteringBefore in my posts, I shared how I did not stutter so much in English and that I do stutter much but way much more in Spanish. Well, maybe one of the reasons is that I was evaluating my English fluency by how I give my classes.<br /><br />I teach English and in my classes I hardly have any problems. I do stutter at times but seems normal like anyone else. Because of this, I figured out that my problem was in Spanish because there is where I clearly stutter, block and suffer. The other day I went to a meeting with other teachers and in that meeting we were sharing experiences and so forth and suddenly, I began to feel the stutter coming to me. I was surprised and saddened. What is happening? Why do I want to stutter? Fortunately I didn't but because I blocked and chose other words I was confused.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcn87VPQY02ZCiXHFOYa9q90pDABdCBEEswvvK-PrThyy0bY-PZgxcfMWsaSLFsJ5D-eR2aPUHm8ZdpiHyrr1K_1El3rNEMTv_B9EMVZRSsV_R40-JUas07LhDOKcguheC3KYuJ9gqThSJ/s1600-h/confused2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 169px; height: 201px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcn87VPQY02ZCiXHFOYa9q90pDABdCBEEswvvK-PrThyy0bY-PZgxcfMWsaSLFsJ5D-eR2aPUHm8ZdpiHyrr1K_1El3rNEMTv_B9EMVZRSsV_R40-JUas07LhDOKcguheC3KYuJ9gqThSJ/s320/confused2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5162361078983937586" border="0" /></a><br />I then started remembering that in the University I blocked a lot (studied in the USA) and substituted but it was mild but I recalled that I also stuttered in English in the past. The fact that I could teach in front of students everyday and not have problems tricked me to think that I did not stutter in English anymore.<br /><br />A few weeks ago I started giving Spanish classes, I was so scared because I was going to be confronted with my devil. However I have been teaching for 1 month now and I hardly stutter in Spanish classes. What is going on? In classes I do not stutter. I thank God for that since that is my job but how is this possible? The moment I arrive home I start stuttering with my wife or mother-in-law (though I always prefer blocking and not speacking). Even yesterday at the mall, I could not ask this waitress when the happy hour ended. Asking questions to strangers is one of the most difficult things for me.<br /><br />Theories:<br />1) For some reason my brain knows that I need money to live and therefore goes into survival mode and just enables me to talk and communicate stutter free.<br /><br />2) Since I am the teacher, I feel I am in a command position and that I am in control. This brings confidence and therefore relaxes me to the point I can talk very well.<br /><br />3) I am the host of a stutter demon who wants to screw around with me.<br /><br />4) When I am with family, friends, and strangers, I feel vulnerable and open so I am myself and stutter.<br /><br />See, all this doesn't make sense because stutters are supposed to stutter in presentations but when I teach, in front of 3 to 10 people mostly, I can speak normally. It is SO FRUSTRATING that when I am with friends I cannot express myself. Even alone with my wife I stutter.<br /><br />Anyway, I still thank God that I can work with hardly any problems but it is so confusing. This really makes me realize that stuttering (in my case) is so psychological and that, with fight and luck I can beat it.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-34596247812258342942008-01-21T09:41:00.000-08:002008-02-06T06:07:58.926-08:00Stuttering brings up good jokesStuttering really brings me down but there are times when funny things happen and I can laugh at it. Let's face it, stuttering can be really funny. When I am with people who I know really care about me I don't mind laughing at it. Just picture when you are in a middle of a sentence and all of a sudden you block yourself and can't say a word. You are like: "So what do you think about having a ----?" "You know one of those mmmm" Ok in you mind you want to say mokachino but you can see problems ahead. You have 3 options: start rattleling m<a href="http://www.chinatownconnection.com/images/yueminjin.gif"><img style="margin: 0px 0px 10px 10px; float: right; width: 236px; height: 212px;" alt="" src="http://www.chinatownconnection.com/images/yueminjin.gif" border="0" /></a>o mo mo moe moooo kakaka chinnnnnnnnnno, block yourself and stay mute, or order something else like a shake or water.<br /><br />The rattleling really is a terrible moment where you feel like an ass but it is funny to my friends and they just slap me or something. The second one is the best. Because you can see the clerk just staring at you and he does not know what the hell is going on. Well, then you can throw some ums, wells, let me see, or the one I love, Ok thanks. HAHA, you guys gotta do that one. Excuse me, could I have the ummm .... Ok THANKS. The last option should be reserved for emergencies but is commonly used. I hate eating or drinking something I do not want. GEE I want a moka and I am having Iced Tea?<br /><br />One of the best ones that I could share was when I went to a fancy restaurant with my then girlfriend. I was going through the menu and wanted this dish but it was a hard one. I did not want my girl to ask it for me because I am the guy you know (This is always a problem for stutterers, we want to be gentlemen but since we block at times we then want our partners to do it). Well, I started to practice in my mind and thought I was ready so I lifted my hand so that this well suited "mesero" came to take my order. He then came all well versed and welcomed us and proposed the best dishes. I knew what to order but suddently, it happened. I was blocked, the seconds past and the waiter was staring at me with his fine point ball pen ready to rescue the order from that table. SHIT (Stuttering makes me grouchy and often when I am in a stuttery day I am not in the mood for anything) so then I came up with something that really made the day. I said, in a heavy and imperative tone "Um, Listen, Come back when I am able to talk will you?" The waiter did not know what to think, I mean, who would? I then snapped back and noticed that I said what I was thinking. The waiter's face was that of a guy who just found out his girl was a shemale (btw I have nothing against shemales but if you are you gotta state it up front). He left with a puzzled face and stared back a couple of times like if he were twitching. My girl started laughing so much and who could blame her. What do you do with a request like this? Would he come back and ask: "Are you ready to ..um.. speak?" I followed my girl and started laughing as well and we always laugh when I am about to order.<br /><br />Well, if you have any funny stuttering anecdotes send in a comment.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-81909336133722648842008-01-18T06:05:00.001-08:002008-02-06T06:08:24.873-08:00Wedding prologue II (la pedida de mano)<a href="http://stutterstories.blogspot.com/2007/12/wedding-prologue.html">continued from this post...</a><br /><br />I was so nervous because it was the first time that both families would meet together before our wedding and there was no way out. I knew that I could not use avoidance and that substituting words would be very difficult. This dreadful meeting was called "la pedida de mano" and my grandparents and one of my aunts were going to attend this reunion in representation of my parents who are in Florida. On the the side was my future mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and 2 grandparents.<br /><br />All that morning I was trying to be calm and<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://web.stlawu.edu/gallery/images/06homick1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 267px; height: 220px;" src="http://web.stlawu.edu/gallery/images/06homick1.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a> practice so that I wouldn't stutter. All this backfired and built more anxiety. In one point I thought of fleeing but realized this was not the best option because I would ruin it all. But what if I stuttered badly? What if I freeze? I know it seems I am exaggerating but I am not known as a stutterer and lets face it, when one stutters people see you and a person who lacks confidence, who is nervous and in this case, they can figure that I am lying in my declaration of love. Of course my fiance was fine and relaxed while I was starting my prayer number 1000. The countdown started and I was trying to get a hold of the situation. I started doing some relaxed breathing and went to the bathroom to talk to myself in the mirror trying to build some confidence. "Come on man you can do this" "Say just what you need to and that is it"<br /><br />The meeting was at my girl's house and I was already there. My grandparents came and all was set. They started talking but I hardly participated because I knew I would have to talk later, so why use my stutterless words now you know. Just before the big scene started I went to the bathroom which was becoming my confidence headquarters . I looked at the mirror and prayed, " oh God please give me fluency just for this moment. Make my words flow easily because this is an important step for my future wife and I don't want to ruin it". So my mother-in-law started saying how she was a witness of our love and bla bla bla. Then some others joined in and believe it or not, there was a window to avoid talking. They were ready to wrap it up and go to have dinner. But I looked at my wife and I really really wanted to express what I felt for her and why I wanted to marry her. So then I, spoke and said, "I would like to say some words .... "<br /><br />One of my readers put on the comments that miracles do exist. Well it happened, my prayers were answered. I gave a hell of a speech and without substituting or stuttering. It was amazing and I have no clue how I did this. I made some cry because I opened my heart and it really came out well. After I finished I went to the bathroom and thanked God because I felt he had something to do with it (although if God exists then He allowed or put the stuttering in me when he created me but hey, I do not want to wreck this moment). I was so happy because I saw my future woman crying and proud of me not because I didn't stutter (she thinks it is not a big deal) but because of my words. Now there was one more obstacle in the way, the big day, my wedding.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-50987845847953269782008-01-14T10:10:00.000-08:002008-01-14T10:40:45.788-08:00I am in deep painIt is so difficult to see life as I used to. I am in great pain. My life has changed and I do not know what will happen next. Yesterday (January 13th, 2008), I got a call from Florida. I was resting and my sister-in-law started calling me but in her message I knew something was wrong. She said my father had to talk to me about something very important. I went down the stairs and started wondering what was happening. I knew it was not good. I thought about my brother (who is my son but lives with my parents) but my heart knew it was about my mother. I wasn´t wrong. My father told me that she was not feeling well lately and that she went to the doctor to get some treatment. Then it struck me. My heart was broken and my tears rolled down my face. My mother has <a href="http://www.wetcanvas.com/Articles2/1887/259/images/AMLlg.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 250px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 226px" height="154" alt="" src="http://www.wetcanvas.com/Articles2/1887/259/images/AMLlg.jpg" border="0" /></a>cancer.<br /><br /><br /><br />Leukemia they call it and it has captured my mom. I am so lost now, I love her to death and I am so far away from her. I am her only son and I so want to be at her side but the imperialist, bloodsucking embassy of the U.S in Peru(which has no relation with my feelings to my second country) has built up an unfair case for my not acceptance to the country. See, my parents are legal in the States and have all their papers straight but here in the US embassy they do not recognize the immigration papers. It is so insulting because it makes no sense.<br /><br /><br /><br />Mom, don´t you leave us. We need you and I know you are a fighter. You are so full of faith that we will beat this terrible enemy. Yesterday when you talked to me on the phone, you asked me for one thing ¨Get close to God son¨ Yeah mom, I am so far from Him now, my faith is weak and I do not pray anymore. But God, why do you let my mom go through this? You know she has suffered way too much and now this? I do not understand You. And she, still clings to You with no doubts and no remorse. Sometimes I just can´t understand Your ways.<br /><br /><br /><br />Soon we will get news on how strong the cancer is and it is a sickening wait. I posted this to get it out of my chest because crying is not enough. Please have Sonia in your prayers.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-75960778746528094462008-01-07T14:20:00.000-08:002008-01-08T09:29:28.351-08:00Why me?<span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Do we all have a purpose in life? Do we have a written destiny? Well, I am not even going to try to discuss this because I might never end. However I do ask myself many times why I have to be a stutterer and be in the 1 or 2% group. I bel</span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://static.flickr.com/87/254554978_72f1255f6f_o.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 269px; height: 344px;" src="http://static.flickr.com/87/254554978_72f1255f6f_o.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">ieve in God just like 95% of people (God, Allah, the omega or any Deity) So if God does exist then He had made me with this "gift". Ok, now my other side of the brain says to me no way. This is something that does not come from God but from a kind of physical or psychological problem that I have acquired in this world. Regardless of what the truth is I just feel in someway kinda cursed. I know not one stutterer near me and few people can understand me. What I see is a crowd of judging people ready to tag you with a hurting label. </span> <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">I was going around in the stuttering forum and came across this post. Here is a part of that post:</span> <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-style: italic;">"</span><strong style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-style: italic;"></strong><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-style: italic;">I don't want to be stressed. I want to be like everybody else. I hate that speech impediments have such a weird place in society. Nobody takes them seriously, nobody understands their true impact. I hate that only 3% of people have impediments, and a huge % of that 3% grows out of it. Why didn't I grow out of it? I hate that I meet so many people and encounter so many people every day, and every single one of them talks normal and I can't. It's so beyond frustrating. Go to a mall, go to the beach. All the hundreds and hundreds of people around you, all talking totally normal, it's so frustrating. I want to know what it's like to be able to express myself, and to have the sole consideration, when speaking, on what you're trying to say, not on your stutter. When we stutterers speak, it's a huge ordeal. Our first priority is fluency, everything else is second. Non-stutterers cannot even fathom what that is like. Talking is like walking for them, no thought required. I want to know what that's like.I'm not bitter, I'm just a little lost. I got straight A's in school, I have an outgoing personality, I'm charismatic, and this impediment will cause me to choose the career path of a total introvert. It is so hard, and I'm just so frustrated"<br /></span>Originally Posted by <strong>DZJ<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: normal;">When I read this I felt understood and in a way supported. He put it in such a way that hits the right keys on the frustration that we feel. The big challenge is to deal with this feeling. What is the next step? Does this become a pain cycle where we become bitter with ourselves?<br /><br />I feel inspired when I watch TV and see the stories of people who become successful and they are handicapped. You see great stories of people with one leg, one arm, no arms, people who are def, blind people and much more being the best in what they are. So then people say to us, "See those people made it through, your problem is not that big as theirs so follow their example". However there is one piece in the puzzle that most do not see. People never laugh at these handicapped people. I mean you would have to be a complete and utter bastard to do it right? In fact, people want to help them and give praises to them. On the other hand, people laugh at stutterers. They make fun of us, judge us and think that we are not intelligent or that we are too nervous to talk. Instead of praising us some are annoyed by us. So having this "gift" is really special because we are so misunderstood and stereotyped in a negative and very hurtful way that some handicaps do not go through.<br /><br />Finding a solution is an ongoing issue. But maybe I am with this gift for a reason which I do not know about. I try to see the good side of it. There are things we stutterers have that others do not. We see life in a deeper way and most of us are real smart. We are fighters and have adapted in this world so well at times. I mean, we substitute words in seconds and avoid difficult words and people sometimes do not even know. I do not argue too much with my wife because I sound funny. It is like " I dont know why you ha haaa had t tt to...umm I work all day and you ccc cco cc OK BYE! See, normal people would have said hurting words and sometimes it is best to not say them.<br /><br />Unfortunately, this seems to be overwhelmed by the negatives but I exhort you stutterers to remain positive about the future. Try to find help. I have never been to a therapists because of time but will be seeing one. What I have done is opened up to my family and that has helped. It is a short life so lets not fall into depression. Why me? Why us? I do not know but it is who we are and I life goes on. Do we live it hurting myself or do we take the best from life and learn to confront my challenges and succeed?<br /></span><br /></strong>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-84554274344884053852008-01-04T18:44:00.000-08:002008-01-05T03:54:50.862-08:00Reasons that took me to make this blogWell, I am back from my trip to Machu Picchu and of course I have more stutter stories from that journey. I also have not forgotten my wedding story which I will go back to in my next post so do not think I am slacking. I just wanted to share the reason for this blog to be out there in the cyberspace and expectations I have for it.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1VuJ0Oe7h-2_85oh-kYUV-O6SBxkic8vekoG3AYH2U_22AmO0en3kdjVg1tkhsV6eub__7vSYCgKUyswzYKGa-OxROD_6OkNPZVMET3vrfA1aP5Rzd-1kqONyFS37I13vujRLtRblMYDb/s1600-h/PultrusionArtsy.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 193px; height: 289px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1VuJ0Oe7h-2_85oh-kYUV-O6SBxkic8vekoG3AYH2U_22AmO0en3kdjVg1tkhsV6eub__7vSYCgKUyswzYKGa-OxROD_6OkNPZVMET3vrfA1aP5Rzd-1kqONyFS37I13vujRLtRblMYDb/s320/PultrusionArtsy.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5151959532362772258" border="0" /></a><br />Stuttering is a big, huge I should say, problem. I am still trying to fully accept it and understand it. Many times I feel very but very lonely in this. I can't mention this problem just to anyone because of the ignorance on the issue. Most people think that one stutters when one is nervous and others think stutterers are dumb or have been traumatized to a point in which it has affected our brain. While of course this may happen, it is not accurate in most cases. We, stutterers, are normal people with great skills hopes and abilities. We happen to be great thinkers and are often pretty darn smart. I think this is what hurts us more. I mean, to portray people that cannot speak because of lack of confidence, ideas, intelligence is completely and utterly far away from reality. But hey, I am not going to argue with every and single person who thinks differently. However, could I just say "I do not care on what people say, I will just go on with my life because the opinions of others do not affect me"? Although, this would be idealistic it is not true for me. I do care. I care when people talk around my shoulder. I care when I hear whisperings and gossips stating that I have issues. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I am what people say or that I depend on what others think. I am just saying that it saddens and affects me.<br /><br />I would like this blog to be an open source of valuable information about who a stutterer is and what he goes through. My stories are posted so that others stutterers can see that we are not alone. That in one place far way from home, like Peru, there is someone who understands,who knows what you are going through and who cares despite the fact there might be age or race differences. How many times have I just stayed quiet and said nothing thinking that no one would understand and that I was some kind of "freak" because I could not say what I wanted to. Well, this is why I did this blog and if I just have 2 readers or 2000 it will make a difference.<br /><br />I would also like to receive other stories and post it. Maybe just through the comments of by email so that I can include a tab on top of my blog labeled "Other stories" (working title). So if you read a story and feel inspired just email me and I will start posting other stories. It does not even matter really if you comment, or send an email, what matters most is that stutterers feel identified and supported and that non stutterers gain more knowledge about what we go through and learn to respect the fact that one stutters.. We can encourage others and unite our efforts because stutterers rock. Seriously, I have never met a shallow stutterer. Most of us have great personalities and have a huge heart.<br /><br />I do not know what road this blog but I will be happy as long as it increments awareness on the subject and brings union among stutterers through the internet. I want to thank all of you that have read this humble blog and to those who have commented. Please let me know if you have any suggestions or advice. I hope you all have had a great Christmas and a better New Year's day.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-21255098465609962102007-12-21T17:11:00.000-08:002007-12-21T17:32:35.070-08:00Macchu Picchu awaits me<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH1ByLhZEIH5qB5tYmbQc6N-mlecqn8u8wXBSrCkJTr2geBShfGOj-1ZfoD-wtRvhD9p2qnzZxd7yocAx_K_ZkOxKDkoQpuBMgPEyqzQwPMIkgKoZonKrFSD5P9HdlPfAeV4RsSp-5QHlu/s1600-h/061224_merrychristmas.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 259px; height: 192px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH1ByLhZEIH5qB5tYmbQc6N-mlecqn8u8wXBSrCkJTr2geBShfGOj-1ZfoD-wtRvhD9p2qnzZxd7yocAx_K_ZkOxKDkoQpuBMgPEyqzQwPMIkgKoZonKrFSD5P9HdlPfAeV4RsSp-5QHlu/s320/061224_merrychristmas.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5146603132619042578" border="0" /></a>Well, I will be visiting one of the new wonders and am very exited. I will spend Christmas and New Year's day there in the magnificent Macchu Picchu located in Cuzco, Peru. I will not be posting and will resume my experiences the first week of January.<br /><br />I want to share this opportunity to send my best wishes to all my readers and hope all your goals will come true in 2008. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for being part of this blog. And to all the stutters: Lets get the best out of this life and live it to the fullest without complexes !<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><div style="text-align: center; font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 102, 102);"><span style="font-size:130%;">MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR'S DAY</span><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-88881502229935804902007-12-17T13:59:00.000-08:002007-12-17T18:57:29.455-08:00Wedding prologueThe torture continues as I run out of time I put positive thoughts in my mind and try to look optimistic and relaxed. These should be exiting times. It is my wedding for crying out loud. However the reality is cruel and damaging. I feel anxious, worried, nervous and a bit depressed. I say to myself "I don't have to go through this. No one is forcing me, why am I supposed to do what people want?" But then I see her, the bride, my girlfriend for nearly 7 years, my future wife; the one person I will give it all for. I can't take this away from her. It is something she has dreamed about all her life. It is then when I see things clearly. I realize that I will go through all of this not because I have to, or want to but because I love her and want to make her happy.<br /><br />What started as a small family and really close friend reunion was turning into a huge monster. The invitation list grew from 80 to 250 and was threatening to hit the killing 300 mark. The percentage favored my wife with 80% of guest being hers. Yeah, why not throw in a reality show crew and broadcast it live. Gee, now I was in trouble. The small snow ball hit downhill and there was nothing to stop it.<br /><br />To my surprise, something happened that raised the stutter level to a defcon 4. I had forgotten about a celebration before the big crucial day. Because of my romantic and chessy Peruvian culture there is a family reunion called "la pedida de mano" which literally means the petition of the hand (of the bride's of course). This event consisted in going with my family to the bride's house and opening my heart expressing my reasons and motives to marry her daughter.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNDD1IoiJz0MIZCCXxl0ya9EF0rX5PdwalHyfr5wx5u6x9wapDnLlvffi4EBtBBGD2lCxVhiweidHe5WcjYURMI3cF1fAZ8AtUr65sdfGUKTm4mfOBOOST8OXhQqtzRWeea15wlNrGsqss/s1600-h/1551-courage.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 259px; height: 204px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNDD1IoiJz0MIZCCXxl0ya9EF0rX5PdwalHyfr5wx5u6x9wapDnLlvffi4EBtBBGD2lCxVhiweidHe5WcjYURMI3cF1fAZ8AtUr65sdfGUKTm4mfOBOOST8OXhQqtzRWeea15wlNrGsqss/s200/1551-courage.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5145141529614287570" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Did I say I was screwed? Well, to me, this reunion had one clear meaning. It was the unmasking of the stuttering groom in front of both families. I suddenly got the chill and became even more anxious and frustrated. Why God? What can't I be normal? Why do I have to feel this pressure on my chest and stomach which takes control and does not allow me to be myself. I just want to be able to speak! Is this too much to ask? I have great things to share about my great love for this woman. Damn it! I can even feel poetry within me but this weight doesn't let go of me. I am tired of fighting. I just want to express what I think and feel but I am in this prison. God please, give me clarity at least for these important days. Take this pressure away. If it is not for me do it for my future woman because she well deserves it.<br /><br />This is all I felt and much more. Still, life goes on and the great day is near and the "pedida de mano" is even closer. As time went by I hated myself more and more and wished I were different. But this is me, this is who I am and there is still strength inside of me to fight on.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3317368020465628020.post-81937425228745571752007-12-14T13:59:00.000-08:002007-12-14T14:45:13.398-08:00Getting ready for my weddingSo the day was finally near and the arrangements had started. Man was I nervous but it was not the eternal,union what cramped me up but the idea of having to say some words in front of all the people that meant something for me. There was no escape from having to be the center of attention, which I always preferred to avoid. Only thinking of the situation would make my palms water. I had put 2 different scenarios in my head which made my life miserable.<br /><br />Scenario 1:<br />I would not be able to say my bows. How horrible this would be. Remember, 5% of the people who know me do not know my stuttering gift. So this would mean that I when I started stuttering not being able to tell my wife, in the day in which she had dreamed about all her life - I tried arranging a <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWBacvtHXkMd86OcInGFm1m91Ugxtga-yPRC-0Y6a9Ns3erkt2dfCiB1aEDFSTAcwD6MYbLFk0IXD45VH2Be_X0AVKTnT1UAj1FGiRlDS9yqwQj3oadBES8mzNxO9HcRPoQYMKxLNzIYBh/s1600-h/nervioso.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5143961452989973170" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWBacvtHXkMd86OcInGFm1m91Ugxtga-yPRC-0Y6a9Ns3erkt2dfCiB1aEDFSTAcwD6MYbLFk0IXD45VH2Be_X0AVKTnT1UAj1FGiRlDS9yqwQj3oadBES8mzNxO9HcRPoQYMKxLNzIYBh/s200/nervioso.jpg" border="0" /></a>very small reunion and not a traditional wedding with a huge negative and a fight included - People would start saying,<br />- Man is Carlos nervous, he is second guessing<br />- Yeah, maybe he has another person, you know, these things happen.<br />- Wow, Sally´s about to be married to a husband who is a retard. (death chuckles)<br />- I wonder when this is over and people start bringing the free drinks!<br /><br />I was trying to imagine what to do if any (exept the last which was a given) happened. I would probably try talking faster making it worse probably or just stutter it and go on with the show. The choices of running away or fainting on purpose were going down the list as I tortured myself on this scenario.<br /><br />Scenario 2<br />After the bows, the groom often has to give some words and thank everyone. Ummm, well, here at least I can substitute words when my stuttering radar detects a problem approaching. However, as we all stutterers know, substituting words can back fire. When we do this technique sometimes we do not find an appropriate substitute and bring up a wrong word. This word would make your sentence incoherent and in consequence one looks like an idiot.<br /><br />Examples of substitution problems.<br /><br />I have loved my wife ever since I (oh oh ... Radar detects that met is going to be a problem... think, what do I say. oh no, time is up. I have loved my wife since all my life. (Shit, I don´t know her all my life, Gee, how do I fix this? Well go on man, people will not notice) This happens very quickly in my head. Not notice? My wife probably has already given me the look like, Hey, who the hell did you know all your life. I am not your ex you jerk.<br />So substitution can be a good a handy tool but it has its dangers, handle with care!<br /><br />As you see, I had many things in my head while my wife was so happy and had other normal worries. I tried not to interfere in that and managed to keep it in me.<br /><br />to be continued...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3