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Posted by Carlos In:

My first year wedding anniversary

So it has been one full year since I started sharing my life wife a marvelous woman. Many things have happened this year so it has been a roller coaster ride. I was not supposed to be stuck here in South America for one thing. I should be in the States studying for a Master's and getting a job as a financial adviser getting the big bucks. It was a shocker to change my plans so dramatically. I live with my in-laws, so typically Latin Americanish, work for as an ESL (English as a second language) company, and earn a very modest pay check.


But I married the woman of my dreams and I am ok with it. Yes, just ok because I have greater plans although I feel I am stuck in time for now. Life in South America can be very fun and exiting but also you gotta work double to earn some respectable cash. This year has also been extremely tough for me since my mom got cancer. Fortunately, she is finally in remission. This means that she does not have cancer but this could come back so she has to monitor herself regularly.

So what is it like to be married when you stutter? Well, my wife or doesn't care, doesn't realize it, or simply ignores it. It is funny how we stutterers suppose the other person knows exactly when we block or get frustrated but many times they don't know. I don't know about you guys but I tend to get moody and irritated when I have a bad day communicating. The frustration builds and my wife suffers the consequences of it. That is one thing I really got to work on but stuttering at times gets the best from me. In addition, I get very anxious lately and this builds up more stuttering. My stuttering is at times a measuring stick of how relaxed or stressed I am. Lately I have been stuttering much more and therefore I haven't been treating my wife like I am not supposed to. It sucks you know. I mean, I am not like this, a mean guy, but I get so sad at times because I just can't be myself and then I get so angry. Stuttering makes the simplest things in life a living hell. Seriously, think about it. Two simple examples:

  • Going to the shopping or supermarket and asking for prices or help.For some reason asking other people for help is so tough for me. So this simple, thing can really make me anxious. Last week we were shopping for a LCD tv and I asked this guy about the Samsung's features and what were the differences with the Sony one. Well, I started speaking and suddenly I got stuck on a word and I felt like a complete ass. I know, I know, I should just not care but I hate when it happens. I just lost all will of asking for other TV's and things like this make me moody and may ruin my day,
  • Arguing. This is just plain pathetic at times. When you argue you get emotional and the stuttering gets worse. An argument does not necessarily mean a fight right? Yeah, but when you block and see that the other person lays his plead and is winning because you can't state yours then you just want to hit that person (not you my wife). You are there, in silence, receiving the attack and you do not do anything. What is the purpose of an argument if you can't speak? Is there a way out? So this brings forth anger, more frustration, and you just give up and declare winner to the opponent by default.
Above all is my love for her. She is so sweet and nice that I feel so bad for succumbing in my own problems. I have to change and got to learn to control my frustration. I cannot continue to let stuttering beat me though it hits me strong at times. I don't know if my wife reads my blog but if you do read it honey I love you so much and I am trying hard to being a better husband. What's my next step? Well, I want to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist and see what he thinks about starting taking some pills. I think I need some help controlling my anxiety about not being able to express myself. I think I set myself up to stutter more than I should because I am to hard on myself. At any rate, I have to start by going to a specialist to start off which is hard for me to do because of some type of pride or ignorance about getting professional help. Let's see if I can gather strength and do it this week.

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Posted by Carlos In:

Does Pagoclone or other antidepressants reduce stuttering?

I am convinced that antidepressants are a great option to reduce stuttering. I am planning to go to a psychiatrist and start treatment. The reasons for not doing it before was because of time, money and well, going to the psychiatrist is not something to brag about. This following report was form last year but it talks about Pagoclone, an antidepressant, which reduces the the dopamine which produces stuttering. Here is the clip.


I just realized that my insurance can cover it so let's see if I can get a good treatment here in South America. Some psychiatrist don't know much about stuttering and some are extremely ignorant so I hope I get one that has done some research. Have any of you succeeded with any kind of antidepressant or with Pagoclone? or maybe you think this is not the best option. In any case, I would like to here from some real life experiences

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