As I am writing this post my tears are coming out. I am losing the battle not only with stuttering but with other things. I am not myself anymore and I am reaching my limit. I can't seem to hold a fluent conversation anymore and I think I am starting to suffer from anxiety disorder. I have lost my true identity somewhere in the middle of all this mess and am starting to isolate myself more and more. Stuttering is affecting me so much that it is starting to hurt me. It is not the stutter itself but all the it brings with it. I feel dumb, slow, and at times worthless. What is happening to me? Whenever I am with people I get locked. Frustration has grown to a point that I can feel it in my muscles. I wander and all I see is fluent people that carry on with their lives while I have to submit to the command of what I am allowed to say by this curse. I have taken the path of silence and avoidance waiting for a good time to talk but that time never comes. The worse thing is that even when I find some few words to say they do not sound so smart.

God, I know I am not being a good son now but I need some help. Just guide me to a treatment or to someone who can help me. Mom always told me that the answer was in you but it is tough to have faith these days. Not even seeing how her faith was so strong that she is beating cancer has sensibilized my spiritual side.

I do not know where the problem rests anymore. Before it was parties, meetings and social gatherings but now I feel anxious even taking the bus. At work I feel tired and my heart is beating more than it should. I say right when I want to say left and I am slow. I am unhappy and have a terrible mood which makes my wife unhappy. I have seen the symptoms of anxiety disorder and I have almost all of them. I will be seeking some pro help (although I said this before and just continued with life escaping from it). Sometimes I think I have empowered my stuttering and that I have made it worse. Life is tough and right now I am weak and tired but I hope I will come back from it.