Stuttering & Stammering A diary of a stutter; his struggles, experiences and anecdotes: February 2008

Having started stuttering at age 19 or 20 really gives me a better insight on how it can change the way one is. I Well, has it really changed me? Yes but no. What I mean is that I am the same person but repressed and convicted to blocking my real self to the world. So, it has changed my personality to the others. People see a timid person, the perfect listener, someone who agrees with mostly everything, a shy sometimes social evader wonderer therefore a person who, in my case, is not me. I could accept this if it were true but deep inside I have not changed. In conversations and discussions I want to intervene and lay out my points stating the reasons for my discrepancy of a given issue. I would like to talk, make jokes, share my pain, give advice without having to block, substitute or say something which is not what I want.


Sometimes I am having a conversation and I imagine another one happening parallel to it. I imagine one where I actually say what I want to say. My typical conversations are one way where I come in with a "yeah" , "sure", "I know" etc. It is so frustrating and so sad because it hides who I am and portrays a dull, cheap version of myself. At times I just sigh and nod but deep inside it is like I accept the defeat. I wear out and give in to stuttering. Is it taking the best out of me? Is it taking control? Am I being too proud? Why not just stutter and let it out?

I think stuttering actually would make me feel worse than saying what I want to say, at the right time and therefore I retrieve from the confrontation. Ignorance hurts because others see you as a person with some type of problem. I really do not like to point out I am a stutterer to people that would not get it. I don't care telling some friends but only to smart ones who care about others. So why expose myself? I might be wrong. Maybe I should be doing the opposite like I have read elsewhere but for now I feel ok with it.

What do you guys think? Has it changed who you really are? Is stuttering keeping you from something?

Thanks for your comments and your participation.
Stumble It!

I remember as a child my father used to bug me a lot because I had a pet guinea pig. I really cared for the furry little fellow and always got pissed off and called mom to back me up. What I did not know was that my father was not joking when he said my guinea pig would make a great dish. In my last trip to Cusco Peru, which I will talk about more in other posts, I wanted to try guinea pig. I love Peruvian food but this would be a challenge. I also do not mind going to cheap markets where you get a real good price so I told my wife we could go to a fancy restaurant later. I was not sure about trying this dish because it is kind of scary looking. It is pretty much like eating a rat only that its meat is supposed to be real soft and tasty.

Off I went until I came across a very particular and quite attention grabber image that I would like to share.


My wife said, 'Why are you taking a picture of it?' - 'Well, it is for my blog', I said. - 'Blog, I thought it was a stuttering blog' - 'Well but this has to be seen and you never know, maybe eating guinea pig may cure stuttering so I want to document it'

Actually the picture is great and kinda cute. I did not notice the details until I saw it on my laptop. The main caracter, the one with the small "rocoto" (hot Peruvian chili), is on top of another guinea pig (That rocoto detail really uplifts the picture to another level). That guinea pig is lying on top of another one and you could see its toes. Then the other interesting issue is that these guys are on top of fried chicken as if they were the king meat or something.

This guinea pig was deep fried and well, did I eat it? Hell yeah. The meat is soft like that of a rabbit and has a good taste. The only problems are its thick outer skin and its small bones. Before you even start saying how awful and terrible remember we now and then have a BigMac or nuggets that God knows what are in them. These guinea pigs aren't pets here. They are grown and fed just like chicken. So, did it cure my stuttering? I am sorry to inform you guys that it has been 2 months and I see no positive effect.

Before in my posts, I shared how I did not stutter so much in English and that I do stutter much but way much more in Spanish. Well, maybe one of the reasons is that I was evaluating my English fluency by how I give my classes.

I teach English and in my classes I hardly have any problems. I do stutter at times but seems normal like anyone else. Because of this, I figured out that my problem was in Spanish because there is where I clearly stutter, block and suffer. The other day I went to a meeting with other teachers and in that meeting we were sharing experiences and so forth and suddenly, I began to feel the stutter coming to me. I was surprised and saddened. What is happening? Why do I want to stutter? Fortunately I didn't but because I blocked and chose other words I was confused.
I then started remembering that in the University I blocked a lot (studied in the USA) and substituted but it was mild but I recalled that I also stuttered in English in the past. The fact that I could teach in front of students everyday and not have problems tricked me to think that I did not stutter in English anymore.

A few weeks ago I started giving Spanish classes, I was so scared because I was going to be confronted with my devil. However I have been teaching for 1 month now and I hardly stutter in Spanish classes. What is going on? In classes I do not stutter. I thank God for that since that is my job but how is this possible? The moment I arrive home I start stuttering with my wife or mother-in-law (though I always prefer blocking and not speacking). Even yesterday at the mall, I could not ask this waitress when the happy hour ended. Asking questions to strangers is one of the most difficult things for me.

Theories:
1) For some reason my brain knows that I need money to live and therefore goes into survival mode and just enables me to talk and communicate stutter free.

2) Since I am the teacher, I feel I am in a command position and that I am in control. This brings confidence and therefore relaxes me to the point I can talk very well.

3) I am the host of a stutter demon who wants to screw around with me.

4) When I am with family, friends, and strangers, I feel vulnerable and open so I am myself and stutter.

See, all this doesn't make sense because stutters are supposed to stutter in presentations but when I teach, in front of 3 to 10 people mostly, I can speak normally. It is SO FRUSTRATING that when I am with friends I cannot express myself. Even alone with my wife I stutter.

Anyway, I still thank God that I can work with hardly any problems but it is so confusing. This really makes me realize that stuttering (in my case) is so psychological and that, with fight and luck I can beat it.