It has been so long. I kinda avoided posting here. I think because I was just so hurt for all the things I have been through (mainly because of my mother's illness and of course my stuttering). But I am back for now trying to share my stories.

It was at the beginning of year in early January 2008 when I got the phone call. It was mom and she sounded sad. I knew something was wrong and then she said it. Man words can hurt. "I have cancer". I just dropped to the floor and wanted to be with her but due to the immigration paperwork mess up I could not reenter the States.

My mother is just plain and simply inspirational. She is so brave and strong and has such tremendous faith in God. It was a tough year and she has been through roughly 6 to 8 chemotherapy sessions. She finally beat leukemia although some say the fight is never over but she has been in remission for nearly 7 months and in her lasts tests she was clean.

Needless to say this has affected me. I went through so much and my stuttering / stammering has gotten worse. I stopped taking Prozac and klonopin (although I have klonopin pills for emergency social gatherings if you know what I mean - I will write a post talking about why I left prozac) I think that wasn't the answer for me. What is the answer? I still don't have a clue. I have been on this ride which I try to understand. I try to figure out patterns, events that might trigger my stutter over the limits. Some weeks I just can't stand myself. I avoid any social gatherings but it depresses me. I want to socialize so much but it is just pathetic.

As of this month so far (January 2009), in a scale of 1 - 10 (10 being my highest stutterer episode) I would say I am in a 4 in public and in a 8 when I want to argue with my wife! LEt my clarify that most people still do not notice my stutterness. I keep on blocking. I have like a red emergency button that I push on when I see a stutering rampage comming. I just hit it and go mute. It is so frustating but it is a temporary answer although it isn't what I want.

So, I will keep on sharing with my fellow stutters and others my stories. Take care and thanks for dropping by.