I have been very busy and trying to organize my life more. Stuttering has not stopped, maybe it never will, or maybe that is just me. However my anxiety has reduced at times when taking klonopin (clonozepam) and that helped my stutterness if you will. Still my questions are without answers and my quest is not close to ending.

So after being in the waiting room with some "special" people around me I was thinking about getting the hell out of there. Then a guy who lives close to my house to whom I never engage a conversation with came into the same waiting room. Holy shit, I thought, what are the chances? Oh well, let him think whatever he wants I insisted. Besides he is here too right? He must have some problems as well? Wrong, his mother had them and quite more severe than other patients.

Crap, ok ok, it is normal to go to the psychiatrist nowadays, isn't it? So I just kept reading my newspaper and watching with pain this little girl swinging her head back and forth and it really got to me. I made a short prayer for her because she wouldn't stop and her mother was right there reading a newspaper too. But I always over anaylize things. I thought, if she is this normal it means it is something that the little girl has had for a long time, then I thought about what the little girl felt, her future, her dreams. I got saddened and again thought, what am I doing here? Then is when I thought, gee stuttering sucks but there are other things that suck more. Then I looked and her again and she stopped swinging and looked at me straight in the eyes. I was paralized and went back to my "reading" yet as soon as I did she went back to the swinging. Weird I thought. Then I looked at her again and same thing happened only that she made faces to me. Ok that freaked me out a bit. Maybe she read my mind or maybe she was an angel and was giving me a message of some sort. Third time just to see if it was in my head but again she looked at me. But then I wasn't scared, I just saw that she was telling me something in the only way she could. I don't know exactly what she wanted to say but I guess she wanted to let me know that she was aware of things and that she had "feelings". I then smiled at her and then she kept swinging.

Man, and I complain when people stereotype me when I just did it to her. Not in a cruel way at any point but I was just judging many things to what "normality" is. So even before I got in to my appointment I learned something. Stuttering is not that bad unless people start judging me. Stuttering is horrible when people label me. So I looked at all the people in the room again and thought I was not in the wrong spot. That we weren't freaks, we were just unique and "special".

Then I heard my name and I went in into the office. It was very quick and she just pretty much gave me another order of the same pills. Umm... I don't know. Maybe there is something wrong with this system. Maybe I need to pay more to get a better psychiatrist. I mean I had a better session outside in the waiting room with my fellows. Oh well, I will keep on with the prozak and clonazepam and see what happens and went out.

My stuttering depends on my days you know. Sometimes I feel well and relaxed but others I feel suppressed, anxious and tired like breathing wise. I haven't yet felt the direct influence of Prozac. I am not sure if I should continue with it. Klonopin has a direct relation though but I skip pills because I feel some days I don't need it. I am just scared of overdoing drugs. I guess in general I have improved but I still stutter. At least my anxiety has gone down. Also, mom and dad call me and now I can tell them about my stuttering and it is a very open subject and not something that I am trying to hide. That really helps and I stutter less with them. I guess this might be a beginning although at times I feel there is no hope but life comes only once so I will keep my head up and fight the fight.