I remember stepping into the psychiatrist's office with so much hope. I felt so close to finding a cure. It was exiting and scary. My name was called and I had a little rush. This is it. Behind the door I will get help. I greeted the doc and sat down. She made a bunch of questions and pretty much wrote down obvious things. Then it came. I told her I stuttered. I am not used to this because I hide it all the time. She looked at me and I was awaiting her answer impatiently. Her answer was so dull and pathetic that I just felt nauseous because of my deception. She said "Well, just talk slower" WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I did not even argue with her because obviously she was useless in the subject. Dang! I felt like walking away right there and go back to the old drawing board. But I went through the ride.

I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. She gave me prozac and klonopin. I kindly said thanks while in my head I through a swing at her smile. Oh well, at least I have the drugs. It might still be the answer. I took them out and looked at them and kinda whispered to them. "Ok boys, do your job". I started taking it and nothing. No change at all. The klonopin did make me feel drowsy and calm but it made me sleep. I mean it worked. It avoided my stutter because it made me sleep (lol). I remember going to a social gathering better known to us stutterers as a torture session. Before going I took a 2mg klonopin and 30 minutes into a conversation I was dead asleep. My wife had to excuse me and our friends took pictures. It was embarrassing.

In my third month I was feeling fooled. Prozac wasn´t working and I was feeling like a guinea pig test. Then I watched this video in youtube that I want to share. Here it is:

I was having one sensation that I couldn't very well describe - until i watched this video. It was the electricity "shock" coming from the back of my head and going down like a rush.It was not at all like the ones described in the video. However I started to look into the antidepressants more. Really the difference between the placebo and that of the antidepressants effect from that of main antidepressants isn't that high. This means that a lot of people who took a void pill did in many time as well than that of taking a real antidepressant. Then I looked at my situation. I was starting to put a drug in brain which is altering my system because of my stuttering which was not even considered by my psychiatrist? I don't want to say that this doesn't work for everyone but it wasn't doing anything for me. There absolutely no difference from talking and not taking it. There are so many gray sections when using antidepressants. What I saw is just a huge amount of companies starving for money. Why take pills that have so many cons and that state that it might not work. How risky! If they are not sure it will work for "you" it means they don't fully comprehend how it works in your body. So then I will put it in my brain and see what it does? Suppose it makes me more anxious or pushed to suicidal thoughts (which they say in their bottles). They will not take any blame for it. They are protected by their laws. I just am not ready to keep being a guinea pig and to blend drugs with my brain. If you are taking antidepressants and it works great. However I see so many hungry vultures that starved for a load of cash. In this video it made me feel used. I fell in the system. Just to be clear. I am not saying I will ever take an antidepressant but I won't take one unless I see all the facts clear in front of me.

Anxiety disorder huh? Well, don't all stutters have this innate in us? Who doesn't get anxious before speaking. And we human speak all the time. At any rate, looking at the withdrawal symptoms of the antidepressants and analyzing carefully my situation I quit Prozac with fortunately minimal (close to 0) withdrawal symptoms. I still keep some klonopin pills for emergencies.