Birthday Revelation
Last Tuesday was my Birthday. You know, that day of the year when people are forced to call you and to say something nice. I always disliked this day because I hate the extra attention. However, even though I try to avoid the spotlight, deep inside I wanted it to be a special day.
This year I realized how my stuttering has affected my social connections. I got around 5 to 8 calls. Even if I wanted, there was nothing I could've done to organ
ize a reunion. It was just so lame and pathetic that I missed the attention. My parents are in the USA and my friends are... FORGOTTEN! I have created such isolation that I have lost contact with them. I have rejected so many invitations because of my stuttering. I used to get calls from aunts and cousins but I have missed those family reunions. My family thinks I just don't want to be with them or that I have changed. Most do not know I stutter. The only ones that have called were my grandparents and even they sounded "weird". Of course, I am just so concentrated in avoiding anything that involves exposing myself talking that I haven't visited them for ages.
I do not want this. I wish I could be stronger to tolerate all the pain and shame that stuttering brings. At least I have realized that I have to change. I can't keep on doing this. I need to confront my fears although it won't be fun. Finally I got what I always thought I wanted: A birthday in which no one would notice,but man it is not pretty!
3 comments:
Hey Carlos,
Another great post. Your posts are raw, yet emotionally on-point. And I'm willing to bet that many (if not most) people who stutter have felt this kind of social isolation during at least one point in their lives. (I know that I most certainly have...)
The thing is, there is no easy way out of this. What it took, at least with me, was the recognition that life trying to run from stuttering was worse than life trying to live with stuttering. I just got tired of stuttering rob or steal my life. It's not an overnight change--but once I made this revelation, I started one battle at a time, and make great progress ever since.
Stated differently, my shame of living trying to run or hide from stuttering overpowered the shame that I would have living with stuttering. (And in time, any shame that I had as a result of stuttering slowly goes away.)
Actually--your post initially reminded me *a*lot* of the "personal greetings" that always seem to occur during most church services. (!)
Why not take the first step? Start making yourself a little vulnerable and start contacting some of your old friends and extended family?
Always enjoy your posts. Take care,
Greg
http://Stuttering.me
Hey Greg,
Great advices. I think you are so awesome because you have confronted this. I can't even begin trying. It is like a just lock up. I am a very sensible person but I will try. Keep up the good work with your micropodcasts.
I don't stutter but I hate attention myself too. Not sure why. I bet you more of this is in your head than you think. I bet everyone wants to see you and that your stuttering isn't as big a deal to them as it is to you...especially if they care about you.
The more you force yourself to go to public events the easier it will get. The more you wont notice your stuttering as well.
Good luck with everything!
And even though I'm a month late, Happy Birthday!
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