Stuttering & Stammering A diary of a stutter; his struggles, experiences and anecdotes

"Just relax man", "Calm down and start again", "Slow down dude" are just some things that we stutterers are told when we had a stutter moment. But is there any truth in this? Would this really help? A few days ago I was surfing the web and came across suggestions about relaxing before you think you would stutter. There are even breathing techniques that says that these work all the time if done properly. I was convinced and starting meditating on the issues that might trigger my stuttering side.

Having acquired this problem around my 20's I saw that stuttering fitted like a glove in my life. See, I am a quite anxious guy. Every task I am given I just want to finish it as quickly as possible. It does not have to be a complicated task but just common ones will do. For instance, if I am eating I eat fast and just want to wolf down the whole dish. I do not talk much or pause but just concentrate on the goal of eating. When blogging, if I do not get what I want from a design or if there is an error on my page, I begin to get anxious and I have to find the answer right in that moment and if not I get anxious to the point that it affects me. I could go on with many things I do at a fast pace like if it were a competition. So then stuttering just found a good host in me.

I heard that when we stutter we just have so many things to say and think just too fast that our mind goes faster than our articulation. I talked to my wife about it and shared my findings. Since then (last week) I have started to slow down on speaking. I have to concentrate because it is so difficult. Fluency is not pausing but I have to according to my conclusions and research. Well, it helped. I went shopping with my wife and spoke slower pausing and taking my time and the stuttering had reduced. Implementing this into my life will take time. There are no easy ways and I feel that I have to slow down not only in speaking but in many things in life. I do not have to portray things as challenges all the time. I have to enjoy sharing with others while eating and if I have problems in my web pages I should try fixing it with time and if not just be patient about it. Maybe then I will see a bigger change as a whole because stuttering takes in so many variables that it is puzzling.

Has slowing down reduced my stuttering? The answer is yes and no. Yes because of the points mentioned above but yesterday I woke up early and went upstairs and got into a conversation with my mother in law about my plans for the future. All of a sudden I felt I was in the stuttering mode and said to myself "Here is your chance to implement my strategy" One of the breathing technique says that you should relax and breathe normal and you should say only the first syllable while exhaling and then breathing again and deliver the rest. So for instance "hi my name is Joe" should be: Breathe, exhale saying "Hi" then breathe again and say "my name is Joe exhaling". I had my big change there but I could not say the first syllable. I took a big breath but nothing. I was just in one of those days and just went down to avoiding and keeping silence which really puts me down. But, what happened? I don't know. Anyway, I think it is start and will continue to see if slowing down will help. The problem is I tend to forget about it and just talk naturally which is fast and get out of line with my plan. I should also have to look into the breathing technique more and see what I am doing wrong. At any rate, slowing down seems logical and something that can help my stuttering and other issues in my life as well.

It's been a while since I last posted that I probably lost my few readers. I have been busy with work and my other 8 blogs. This is the only one which I write personal stuff so I enjoy it and have missed posting in here. Last week my wife was around and even left a message. She had not read the blog before and took a quick glance at it and now she probably will become another reader.

Now to the subject in matter, last month I got a comment from Jillian where she kinda helped me out figure why I did not stutter that much when teaching in contrast to having typical casual conversations.

I read in a pamphlet from the "Stuttering Foundation of America" that people who stutter rarely do it when acting or singing. Perhaps when you teach, you see yourself as being "in character" and you're able to "perform" and not stutter.

I went to a Performing Arts school as a kid. In the plays and musicals... as long as I was "in character" I NEVER had a problem. As soon as I was back to being me, I stuttered like crazy.

Stuttering can't be more confusing than it is. I mean, in addition to having to live with verbal communication deprivation some, like me, do not have a clue on why I got it, how it works. Searching answers just opens more questions and I feel that my quest is one with no happy ending. I have argued with fellow stutters on many topics regarding stuttering from which many state that they have all the answers. First, I really feel I have acquired it from another person and the post to that story is here (click me). I know, it is not in any book probably but I was stutter free years ago. Oh yeah, then they tell me that I was always a stutterer but I had to trigger it. Maybe, but why is my wife now stuttering more and more? Any answers there?

Going back to Jillian's argument, when I read it it made perfect sense. Just take a minute and see me in "action" if you will.
The setting is a business lobby where three well-suited and groomed professionals await their English instructor to whom their respectable company has entrusted their education in the English language. I, less groomed but still prepared for the encounter, arrive on top of the hour with my suitcase and my markers. The tension elevates and I become a bit nervous. We finally gather with opening shy looks and scanning each other. Then something takes over me like if I were possessed at the moment. I am in charge. I am the boss in there. My experience and knowledge give me the "power". Such power strengthens me and my self confidence overflows. My tongue gets lose, my muscles relax and even my mood and personality seem refined. The result is evident: I don't stutter.

HEALED!!! I think to myself. Finally I achieved my so desired goal, I insist. However later that day, I get home and begin to talk to the family and fall into the stutter swamp. WHY? How can I come to understand such paradox? Isn't a stutterer suppose to fall into the blocking and rattling when confronted with anxiety and specific social nerve cracking situations? WHY am I so useless in comunicating in such trival and so common, daily, everyday conversations?

Then it came to me when reading the stated comment, ROLE PLAYING!!!! See, who teaches is not fully "me". It is a character, the teacher. I am not exposed to hurting looks because I do not know these people. And even if they encounter one of my stutter words, I am bothered by it because my goal there is one; to help them learn English. How ironic !!! I am there to teach them how to communicate. In addition, I am not an average teacher, I am one of the best in the company. I have never received a complaint and my bosses always praise me. Students have a ball in my class and my interaction with them is superb. You would not notice I was a stutterer in my class. In fact, in one class the word "stutterer" came into discussion and I felt I was unmasked but they started talking about how it affected other people. I so wanted to tell them HEY, I AM HERE!!! but I couldn't do that because then I would lose the role playing character and I would probably stutter.

The other day I talked to a stutter fellow and he said he also did not stutter when he imitated Elvis Presley. Another said he wouldn't rattle when speaking in a different accent. Maybe you are one of those stutterers. At any rate, the question would be, how do I use this information to improve my communication in my daily language?

So it has been one full year since I started sharing my life wife a marvelous woman. Many things have happened this year so it has been a roller coaster ride. I was not supposed to be stuck here in South America for one thing. I should be in the States studying for a Master's and getting a job as a financial adviser getting the big bucks. It was a shocker to change my plans so dramatically. I live with my in-laws, so typically Latin Americanish, work for as an ESL (English as a second language) company, and earn a very modest pay check.

Above all is my love for her. She is so sweet and nice that I feel so bad for succumbing in my own problems. I have to change and got to learn to control my frustration. I cannot continue to let stuttering beat me though it hits me strong at times. I don't know if my wife reads my blog but if you do read it honey I love you so much and I am trying hard to being a better husband. What's my next step? Well, I want to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist and see what he thinks about starting taking some pills. I think I need some help controlling my anxiety about not being able to express myself. I think I set myself up to stutter more than I should because I am to hard on myself. At any rate, I have to start by going to a specialist to start off which is hard for me to do because of some type of pride or ignorance about getting professional help. Let's see if I can gather strength and do it this week.

I am convinced that antidepressants are a great option to reduce stuttering. I am planning to go to a psychiatrist and start treatment. The reasons for not doing it before was because of time, money and well, going to the psychiatrist is not something to brag about. This following report was form last year but it talks about Pagoclone, an antidepressant, which reduces the the dopamine which produces stuttering. Here is the clip.


I just realized that my insurance can cover it so let's see if I can get a good treatment here in South America. Some psychiatrist don't know much about stuttering and some are extremely ignorant so I hope I get one that has done some research. Have any of you succeeded with any kind of antidepressant or with Pagoclone? or maybe you think this is not the best option. In any case, I would like to here from some real life experiences