Stuttering & Stammering A diary of a stutter; his struggles, experiences and anecdotes

Now this is interesting. Almost everyone agrees that the best way to reduce or live with one's stutter is by accepting it. This means to accept the fact that you are not able to express yourself in the right time and with the right words. Well, I can accept it. That is not that hard. But am I accepted?

We all seek to be accepted, to be part of a group or team. We hunger to blend with others. If this does not happen then we are affected no matter how strong we are. Some people say they don't care (I was one). That is just something we say to make others not pity you or to make us look strong and content. The truth is it hurts to be outside the circle.

Stutterers are victims of stereotypes. We are seen as, slow, anxious, nervous, insecure, dumb people among other qualifiers. What this means is that we are messed up. People think that we can actually not stutter if we concentrate or speak slow. They say we cannot control the stress and that we are weak. Some may be true but I know a lot of people that have some of these qualities and do not stutter. In fact, who does not have one of the mentioned problems but hey, only 1% of people stutter.

So stutters know the truth. We can have a high self esteem and accept reality. However this is not the root of our pain. It is what others think. And do not bring the bullshit that it does not matter because it does. You mean, stuttering at your in-law's at the table while others mumble making the woman that you love blush and stare down won't affect you. To try to defend your wife from others that are being offensive and start rattling and giving them the power to pulverize your ego while your wife expects some protection and security. Hold on, you are saying that not being able to argue and to ask for things that you do not want just because they are easily to spell out. THIS AFFECTS YOU AND WILL ALWAYS DO. You may control it, learn ways to cope with the pain but I cannot see myself in a future saying "I do not care, That is me" In fact I do not want this. I want to care because I love my wife, and love ones. So when people tell me to accept my stuttering they do not see the whole picture. I accept it but am not accepted. I ease the pain but the pain that I indirectly produce in the ones I care hurts me as well.

I know what I bring to a social group. Stutterers bring tension, guilt, pity. It is inevitable. How do I know? Because I feel that when I meet a stutterer. I just want him to shut up or to not even try to speak. When he stutters I go through the whole pain. If I stutter I get looks and people do not want to talk to me that much and there is nothing I can do. YEAH YEAH, bring me the same BS that we know better, because they are ignorant. Well excuse me but when ignorance is a mainstream having the reason does not do anything for me. When I hear the top scholars and scientists stating that they know little about how to cure stuttering I feel ignorance everywhere.

Having a stutter is horrible because people are not sympathetic. If you see a blind person you do not see people laughing at him "Hey What color is my shirt?" You do not see this because it is cruel. Imagine making fun of a cripple for not being able to go to a PE class. People understand their pain even though they cay see and run, however they do not understand a stutterer.

So whenever I hear someone telling me to accept my stutterer I just want to punch them. "I AM A STUTTERER AND I ACCEPT IT. There you go pal. Now please get out of my face will ya?" There are many things that only stutterers will get so if you can speak fluently give thanks to God. I give thanks to God for me legs and my life and even though I am a stutterer I know I have many good things in my life.

I remember stepping into the psychiatrist's office with so much hope. I felt so close to finding a cure. It was exiting and scary. My name was called and I had a little rush. This is it. Behind the door I will get help. I greeted the doc and sat down. She made a bunch of questions and pretty much wrote down obvious things. Then it came. I told her I stuttered. I am not used to this because I hide it all the time. She looked at me and I was awaiting her answer impatiently. Her answer was so dull and pathetic that I just felt nauseous because of my deception. She said "Well, just talk slower" WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I did not even argue with her because obviously she was useless in the subject. Dang! I felt like walking away right there and go back to the old drawing board. But I went through the ride.

I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. She gave me prozac and klonopin. I kindly said thanks while in my head I through a swing at her smile. Oh well, at least I have the drugs. It might still be the answer. I took them out and looked at them and kinda whispered to them. "Ok boys, do your job". I started taking it and nothing. No change at all. The klonopin did make me feel drowsy and calm but it made me sleep. I mean it worked. It avoided my stutter because it made me sleep (lol). I remember going to a social gathering better known to us stutterers as a torture session. Before going I took a 2mg klonopin and 30 minutes into a conversation I was dead asleep. My wife had to excuse me and our friends took pictures. It was embarrassing.

In my third month I was feeling fooled. Prozac wasn´t working and I was feeling like a guinea pig test. Then I watched this video in youtube that I want to share. Here it is:

I was having one sensation that I couldn't very well describe - until i watched this video. It was the electricity "shock" coming from the back of my head and going down like a rush.It was not at all like the ones described in the video. However I started to look into the antidepressants more. Really the difference between the placebo and that of the antidepressants effect from that of main antidepressants isn't that high. This means that a lot of people who took a void pill did in many time as well than that of taking a real antidepressant. Then I looked at my situation. I was starting to put a drug in brain which is altering my system because of my stuttering which was not even considered by my psychiatrist? I don't want to say that this doesn't work for everyone but it wasn't doing anything for me. There absolutely no difference from talking and not taking it. There are so many gray sections when using antidepressants. What I saw is just a huge amount of companies starving for money. Why take pills that have so many cons and that state that it might not work. How risky! If they are not sure it will work for "you" it means they don't fully comprehend how it works in your body. So then I will put it in my brain and see what it does? Suppose it makes me more anxious or pushed to suicidal thoughts (which they say in their bottles). They will not take any blame for it. They are protected by their laws. I just am not ready to keep being a guinea pig and to blend drugs with my brain. If you are taking antidepressants and it works great. However I see so many hungry vultures that starved for a load of cash. In this video it made me feel used. I fell in the system. Just to be clear. I am not saying I will ever take an antidepressant but I won't take one unless I see all the facts clear in front of me.

Anxiety disorder huh? Well, don't all stutters have this innate in us? Who doesn't get anxious before speaking. And we human speak all the time. At any rate, looking at the withdrawal symptoms of the antidepressants and analyzing carefully my situation I quit Prozac with fortunately minimal (close to 0) withdrawal symptoms. I still keep some klonopin pills for emergencies.

It has been so long. I kinda avoided posting here. I think because I was just so hurt for all the things I have been through (mainly because of my mother's illness and of course my stuttering). But I am back for now trying to share my stories.

It was at the beginning of year in early January 2008 when I got the phone call. It was mom and she sounded sad. I knew something was wrong and then she said it. Man words can hurt. "I have cancer". I just dropped to the floor and wanted to be with her but due to the immigration paperwork mess up I could not reenter the States.

My mother is just plain and simply inspirational. She is so brave and strong and has such tremendous faith in God. It was a tough year and she has been through roughly 6 to 8 chemotherapy sessions. She finally beat leukemia although some say the fight is never over but she has been in remission for nearly 7 months and in her lasts tests she was clean.

Needless to say this has affected me. I went through so much and my stuttering / stammering has gotten worse. I stopped taking Prozac and klonopin (although I have klonopin pills for emergency social gatherings if you know what I mean - I will write a post talking about why I left prozac) I think that wasn't the answer for me. What is the answer? I still don't have a clue. I have been on this ride which I try to understand. I try to figure out patterns, events that might trigger my stutter over the limits. Some weeks I just can't stand myself. I avoid any social gatherings but it depresses me. I want to socialize so much but it is just pathetic.

As of this month so far (January 2009), in a scale of 1 - 10 (10 being my highest stutterer episode) I would say I am in a 4 in public and in a 8 when I want to argue with my wife! LEt my clarify that most people still do not notice my stutterness. I keep on blocking. I have like a red emergency button that I push on when I see a stutering rampage comming. I just hit it and go mute. It is so frustating but it is a temporary answer although it isn't what I want.

So, I will keep on sharing with my fellow stutters and others my stories. Take care and thanks for dropping by.

I have been very busy and trying to organize my life more. Stuttering has not stopped, maybe it never will, or maybe that is just me. However my anxiety has reduced at times when taking klonopin (clonozepam) and that helped my stutterness if you will. Still my questions are without answers and my quest is not close to ending.

So after being in the waiting room with some "special" people around me I was thinking about getting the hell out of there. Then a guy who lives close to my house to whom I never engage a conversation with came into the same waiting room. Holy shit, I thought, what are the chances? Oh well, let him think whatever he wants I insisted. Besides he is here too right? He must have some problems as well? Wrong, his mother had them and quite more severe than other patients.

Crap, ok ok, it is normal to go to the psychiatrist nowadays, isn't it? So I just kept reading my newspaper and watching with pain this little girl swinging her head back and forth and it really got to me. I made a short prayer for her because she wouldn't stop and her mother was right there reading a newspaper too. But I always over anaylize things. I thought, if she is this normal it means it is something that the little girl has had for a long time, then I thought about what the little girl felt, her future, her dreams. I got saddened and again thought, what am I doing here? Then is when I thought, gee stuttering sucks but there are other things that suck more. Then I looked and her again and she stopped swinging and looked at me straight in the eyes. I was paralized and went back to my "reading" yet as soon as I did she went back to the swinging. Weird I thought. Then I looked at her again and same thing happened only that she made faces to me. Ok that freaked me out a bit. Maybe she read my mind or maybe she was an angel and was giving me a message of some sort. Third time just to see if it was in my head but again she looked at me. But then I wasn't scared, I just saw that she was telling me something in the only way she could. I don't know exactly what she wanted to say but I guess she wanted to let me know that she was aware of things and that she had "feelings". I then smiled at her and then she kept swinging.

Man, and I complain when people stereotype me when I just did it to her. Not in a cruel way at any point but I was just judging many things to what "normality" is. So even before I got in to my appointment I learned something. Stuttering is not that bad unless people start judging me. Stuttering is horrible when people label me. So I looked at all the people in the room again and thought I was not in the wrong spot. That we weren't freaks, we were just unique and "special".

Then I heard my name and I went in into the office. It was very quick and she just pretty much gave me another order of the same pills. Umm... I don't know. Maybe there is something wrong with this system. Maybe I need to pay more to get a better psychiatrist. I mean I had a better session outside in the waiting room with my fellows. Oh well, I will keep on with the prozak and clonazepam and see what happens and went out.

My stuttering depends on my days you know. Sometimes I feel well and relaxed but others I feel suppressed, anxious and tired like breathing wise. I haven't yet felt the direct influence of Prozac. I am not sure if I should continue with it. Klonopin has a direct relation though but I skip pills because I feel some days I don't need it. I am just scared of overdoing drugs. I guess in general I have improved but I still stutter. At least my anxiety has gone down. Also, mom and dad call me and now I can tell them about my stuttering and it is a very open subject and not something that I am trying to hide. That really helps and I stutter less with them. I guess this might be a beginning although at times I feel there is no hope but life comes only once so I will keep my head up and fight the fight.